For dinner, we decided to return to Kozue (a restaurant originally recommended by Jeff Barr on the Seattlist). We were ready to order another small round of nibbles, but the chef had decided to close the bar without taking “Last Call.” Disappointed, Ponzi suggested we go get a Dick’s. Burgers, folks - hamburgers, plain and simple. Well, Ponzi did get a Deluxe burger. I opted for a regular hamburger, contending that it would taste the same as one from any other fast food joint. It was time to prove myself wrong.

“Okay, now that I’ve had a Dick’s burger, I gotta try one from McDonald’s to do an immediate taste comparison.”

We drove home, stopping by a McDonald’s to order a plain ol’ hamburger. The Drive-Thru lackey seemed shocked, offended that we didn’t want to order anything more. “Are you sure that’s all you want?” Yes, we’re sure. “You don’t even want…” Just shut up and hand over the burger, buddy. From first bite, I could tell that I was eating an inferior treat. Though it had rehydraded onions and a pickle, the meat didn’t taste like meat - which immediately set it apart from the truly genuine Dick’s experience. That’s one point for the Dickmeister. But I couldn’t stop there!

Two blocks away sat a Burger King. Despite their creepy new television commercials, I thought I’d give ‘em a go, too. In between the time we placed the order, and the time we picked it up - I got the strangest taste in my mouth. Boy, that McDonald’s hamburger was backfiring something fierce. Dude, this was one nasty ass aftertaste! No wonder they sell Coke by the gallon. To rid myself of the sensation, I started to lick my leather wallet. That didn’t really help, but at least I wasn’t tasting whatever byproduct I had just purchased at .97 cents. Before I started sucking on something else, the Burger King burger was ready. Flame Broiled? Flame Blah. Sesame seeds on the bun? Big deal. It tasted the same - tasteless. But I couldn’t stop there!

Wendy’s was only a minute up the street, so it only seemed fair to give the red-headed stepchild of the fast food industry a fair shake. I could only get through half of the BK burger before wrapping it up and saving it for later (upon Ponzi’s request). We ordered the junior hamburger instead of a Single, as that was the closest thing to the other burgers from tonight’s taste test trip around town. I could smell char on my own breath, but I’m not sure if that was reconstituted char or true grill char. I didn’t have much time to think about it, as the Wendy’s burger was in my hands quicker than you could say: “Would you like fries with that?” My first impression: fresh, very fresh. The pickle and ketchup were still cold! My second impression: this is an awful lot of bread, and a pattie of pseudo-meat.

Dick’s? You win, hands down.

Fast food restuarants? Go away.