Observational Monstrosities: Aguilera is DUI Episode

Cameron Diaz loves porn.  Aside from her suspiciously large biceps, Cameron is quickly becoming the most wonderful woman on the planet.

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I am not taking sides on the brouhaha in Wisconsin at the moment.  I am just really curious about how so many politicians (in this case democrats) can simply go AWOL without repercussions.  The Catholic Church, meanwhile, has taken a pro-union stance.  Sort of.

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What do you say to someone who’s depressed?

Great question.  Depression is real.  It’s not made up.  It’s a chemical imbalance.  You are not going to just shape up and snap yourself out of it.  Depression is more than just feeling down or sad at one time or other.  Health.com has some decent suggestions.   Remember: you can’t fix them but you can help (and not make things worse).

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At a school in Pakistan, children are playing the suicide bomber play-dead game.

Yet another reason the US is so far behind in education.

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Will Steve Jobs Attend APPLE iPad Event?

Hopefully he won’t be sidelined by iCancer.

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Gwynyth Paltrow won’t stop singing

Isn’t it horrible that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence?  I want to boink porn stars like Charlie Sheen does.  Perhaps we can reach a compromise: Gwynyth can come sing with my band and I can boink her.

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Keith Richards’ daughter, Theodora (25), got arrested in New York for using a paint marker on a building.  The only question left is whether Keith will scold or applaud her efforts.  Theodora is Keith’s daughter with [insert random blonde model sperm receptacle].

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TSA staff jet blew it when boxcutters taken on JFK airliner…

Boxcutters!  Just like 9-11!  I’m surprised he didn’t hijack the plane…

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I want to change my band’s name.  I just came up with something funny and topical: Charlie Sheen’s Penis.

What do you think?  Can’t you just see it up on the marquee?  TONIGHT: Charlie Sheen’s Penis.  We’ll be the biggest thing going :)

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Talk about serious ambivalence… I couldn’t watch my guitar hero, Jeff Beck, when he was on Americans Idle.  And now I hear that Alex Jones was on the View.  The best thing that could happen to that show would be a fire.  When those women speak, all I hear is agitated clucking.