A Pair of Homicidal Pets, Please

Being an interesting family, we couldn’t just have ordinary pets.  No, we got the special pets.

We brought Ren (aka Satan) home as a 7 week old kitten.  He was the best socialized kitten anyone had ever seen.  Within a few days, he started leaping up on the stove.  On the way, he managed to turn on the gas without actually lighting the burners.  I smelled gas when I got home from work and it took us a while to figure out what was happening.  We had to remove the knobs to prevent the little darling from blowing up the house.

Marshall the cocker has his own bag of tricks, but up until now it didn’t include total destruction.  Sure, he will shred any tissue he finds, even if it means standing up and getting into the trash (he prefers them used but will fetch a fresh one if necessary).

Recently things started to go missing from the dining room table.  When I say things, I mean food.  After a short period, we observed Marshall attempting to go from quadruped to biped, literally standing on two legs so he could snatch whatever he could reach from the table.

Lovely.

This morning my wife called me at work to inquire as to whether I had eaten some pizza for breakfast (after this many years of marriage, she should know I only eat chocolate or soda for breakfast).  Well, there was some pizza missing and the obvious choice for thief was our brand new biped, Marshall.  Apparently he also figured out how to get food from the kitchen counter.  Yes, we got the smart cocker.

Yesterday was the final straw, however.  Apparently our little rocket scientist spied some bit of people food on the coffee table, so he stood up and took it.  In the process of purloining the morsel, he knocked over a candle, which promptly set fire to some papers.  Fortunately the hamster my wife grabbed an extinguisher and put out the fire.

In case you’re not keeping score, so far it’s one cat who tried to blow up the house and one dog who tried to burn down the house.

Suffice it to say that the only candle in the house now is a battery powered one and we have all matches and gas under lock and key.  And my insurance just went up fifty percent.

The reason people get mad at their pets is that the pets are sometimes smarter than their owners.