Electrons: The Coming Shortage

I feel it’s my obligation to warn others about developing issues kept out of the mainstream media by those who wish us to remain ignorant (note: I remain ignorant by choice, but other people are kept ignorant by the suppression of information like that I’m about to reveal.)

Thanks to revelations reported by whistleblowers and other independent musicians we all understand the risks imposed by our reliance on fossil fuels, especially foreign oil. Speaking scientifically, foreign oil contains many free radicals, elements that can be detrimental to our way of life in the West. Free radicals should never be liberated by the burning of foreign oil.

But equally important, though never reported, is the increasing shortage of electrons available to those of us in the West since the invention of electricity.

Those of us who stayed awake through most of our advanced physics classes can tell you that matter cannot be created. That means that we can’t create new electrons. The more all-American electrons we use up in computers, GPS systems and such reduce the amount of electrons we have for future use.

Though the studies of electron depletion have been suppressed by secret government agencies, we can speculate that at current electron-usage rates, we will exhaust our supply of domestic electrons very soon. At that point we’ll have no choice but to rely of imported electrons, electrons purchased at high prices from electron-rich nations. Looking at the nations that don’t use very many of their native electrons; Cuba, Chad, Greenland for example; we can see that these potential electron hoarders will have good reason to extract every last electron-dollar out of their future sales. They need cash, not electrons. And we need electrons, so we’ll have to supply the cash.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that being miserly with your electron usage is the highest form of patriotism. Do we want future generations of our nerdy and geeky children to be subject to the outrageous demands of Greenlanders? Do we want our electronic gadgets to be held hostage by electron-rich Cubans? Of course not.

So measure out your electrons sparingly. Learn to be happy with 300Mhz processors and on-board video, both of which are electron economic. Give your night vision a chance to really function at its peak efficiency by leaving the lights off 24/7. Trash your TV and remember the joy of radio shows. Do all you can to preserve our remaining supply of American electrons. Further suggestions for electron preservation would be welcome.

(Update: some smarty-pants just suggested to me that matter cannot be created or destroyed, but I can’t verify that as it wasn’t mentioned during the parts of advanced physics class I was awake for…and besides, it sounds just like the sort of misinformation those secret government agencies would want us to believe.)