Water Parks Aren’t for Grownups

D wanted to take her kids to Waterworld for one of their birthdays yesterday. The complication, of course, arose when she realized there were two parents on the trip and five kids. Keeping track of kids is difficult enough when you have a nice, evenly-divisible number; but who would watch over the fifth kid?

So they asked me to come and watch over the fifth kid anytime we went on a ride as a group; that way we could be sure all five kids came back out with the group. Reluctantly, I agreed; and the eight of us packed into their SUV.

So that’s how I got there. I figured, since I’m stuck in Federal Heights for 8 hours, I might as well try to enjoy myself. So I went on a few rides:

0. Main Entry is well-thought-out, but poorly executed. They have twelve ticket windows, but only four of them were open and one person was manning all of them. The line was a mere five minute wait, not including bag inspections (!?).

1. Lazy River: Those of you who know me won’t be suprised to learn that I liked this one. When evaluating based on “Wait time to Ride time ratio”, the Lazy River had the best ratio. Depending on the time of day, the line varied from zero to 15 minutes; However, since the ride is a closed loop, you can stay on for as long as you like with no limit as to how many laps you ride for. Just get out of your tube when you’re done.

2. Pipeline: One in a set of three slides that don’t exit into a pool, Pipeline is the fastest of the three. Flatline was the steepest, but the group was moving on so I didn’t go on that one. The picture doesn’t do justice to the steepness of Flatline; imagine a decline measuring thirty degrees above a vertical drop.

3. Thunder Bay Wave Pool: I rather enjoyed this one, after I wandered over to the six-foot depths. The wave attacks you from twelve feet, and you barely have sufficient time to decide whether to go over, under, or through. The smart move is to go under the wave, lest ye be smacked by a wave of oncoming people you can’t see. Note that Thunder Bay was the only opportunity I took to do any actual swimming.

4. Funhouse Express: More accurately called a Gondola or Tram, this ride takes passengers from the top of the hill near the Main Entry, down to the far southeast end of the park in the Funhouse, where they risk having a few thousand gallons of water dumped on them from a giant bucket on the way. The enterance to the tram is a designated smoking area, so I got that far. I didn’t actually go on this ride for these reasons:
- No reason to visit the Funhouse; it’s for small kids, and I’m relatively large.
- The process of moving the tram, upon inspection, takes longer than walking.

5. River Country: Slides that have been made to resemble winding rivers, River Country is actually a set of individual tube rides which all exit in a mutual splashdown pool. The trick is to bend your raft upward slightly just before splashdown, and you won’t suffer the effects of water concussion. I actually managed to bypass the 30-minute line by wandering into the area by a shortcut I discovered quite by accident. There were several underinflated-but-usable rafts on the grass there near some random peoples’ things.

We set up camp near the Grand Pavilion, out in the bright sun, since people had claimed all the shade. Fortunately, by the time I was done with rides for the day (around 4:00), the shade had moved to our area and it was the other people who were made to bake. Ahhhhh.

Okay, so that takes care of the good parts. Here are the bad parts.

I don’t know what happened to my feet that caused them to hate hot concrete so much; they didn’t complain when I was a kid. The water rides tenderize the muscles and flesh; then the rigid, rocky concrete proceeds to treat the feet like a cheese grater. Sure, I could wear flip-flops, but since they’re not allowed on the rides I’d have to walk (on the concrete) back up to the enterance to get them anyway.

Then there’s the burning (Yes, we’re still on feet). I can understand feeling a burning sensation when applying 220lbs of pressure against a hot surface (concrete) — But when I moved to a cool, finished brick surface, the burning didn’t go away. Because it wasn’t as bad while mobile, it became obvious that I had to keep walking along the shadows until I got back to the shaded chair area. So I sat there with my feet in the cool, wet grass for awhile.

I had a lighter and a pack of cigarettes inside a ziplock bag with me. It worked fine for the simple rides like the Lazy River and shallow areas in the wave pool; but when the concussive forces of the water hit me at the bottom of a water slide, it was all over for that poor ziplock bag. The lighter was toast, but the cigarettes were partially saved by the durable cardboard and thin plastic sheet surrounding the box. Once the lid came off, however, they resembled soggy Kleenex.

Four blisters formed in total, right in the places where pressure must be applied for walking. Fortunately the pain stopped when I got back into socks and shoes, as long as I didn’t move. Combined with the sunburn brought on my my own arrogance, it’ll be a tough week.