The Big Blue Machine

Another story that could be about sports, but it isn’t. Besides, who would it be? In the 1970s, the Cincinnati Reds baseball team was referred to as the Big Red Machine, but I don’t think there has ever been any team, with blue colors, that was called by that name.

No, the machine I refer to is the one from Microsoft. It used to be that Big Blue was always a reference to IBM, and Big Red was Novell, but those days are gone, and the company we refer to with blue colors is Microsoft. The machine? That would be the hype machine, in all its splendor.

Though you might not think it necessary, with the good reviews of Windows 7, the early price breaks on the Windows 7 SKUs, and the amount of third party  good press, Microsoft is leaving nothing to chance. The hype is here.

It started with a cute little girl on television – so cute that you probably did not realize that that is what was happening.

from PCWorld

Listen closely. Can you can hear it? It’s the kapocketa-pocketa-pocketa of the Microsoft hype machine, as the Windows 7 launch bears down upon us.

Though it’s never worked quite as well as it did back in the halcyon days preceding Windows 95, Microsoft still drags the thing out of the basement every few years, fills the tank with diesel, cranks it up, and hopes it doesn’t spew oil on the carpet or overwhelm us with fumes.

As always, the hype starts with Steve Ballmer. In a letter sent to customers and developers (but that mysteriously made its way to several reporters), Ballmer boasts…

“Windows 7 simplifies tasks and lets people get more done in less time with fewer clicks. Ready to deploy now, it enhances corporate data protection and security, and increases control to improve compliance and reduce risk…. making it easier to reduce costs, improve performance, and enable end users to work anywhere. These and other enhancements are the result of close collaboration with millions of customers and thousands of IT professionals… Thanks in large part to their help, Windows 7 is the best PC operating system we have ever built.”

Of course, this time Ballmer really means it. He also really meant it when he said the same things about Vista, XP, NT, Windows 98, Win 95, and every other Windows OS going back to DOS 2.1, with the possible exception of Windows ME. More disturbing is that he truly believes it.

Yes, it is disturbing, and because the man believes it, it is really borderline. But standing back, it is still hype – mostly because of the delivery style. If it was something calm, and used metered speech, it would not be hype. Since it is delivered Crazy Gideon, Crazy Eddie, or (what we’ve come to know as) Monkeyboy style, it’s definitely hype.

Meanwhile, the braniacs in the Microsoft marketing department have come up with a truly wacky idea. They’re encouraging Microsoft fanboys and girls to throw Windows 7 launch parties on the big day — kind of like Tupperware parties, only with more burping and less sealing. There’s even a Web site and a vague-yet-perky video describing what’s supposed to happen at these fetes.

I have to admit, I’m doing it, too. But, I will not be doing any monkeyboy dancing, there will be no histrionics, and the crowd in my living room will be well-behaved. As someone who will undoubtedly be working on machines containing Windows 7, it pays to have a copy to get comfortable with it. Since I’ll be receiving a copy of Windows 7 Ultimate for my efforts, why not? By the way, those coming should expect to hear J. Geils Band on the stereo (Ain’t Nothin’ But a Houseparty).

(The wags at eSarcasm have a few suggestions for how to liven up your Win 7 bash, not all of them safe for work, as well as a hilarious “censored” version of that video.)

Haven’t seen that yet…but it won’t change anything at my party. Nothing to see here, other than Windows 7 on a fast machine. Move along,.

Of course, Microsoft is also sweetening the pot by offering a shot at a $750 Windows 7 PC to some lucky party thrower. Hey, it wouldn’t be a Microsoft promotion if it didn’t include a bribe.

Sayyy … now that might be a reason to do a monkeyboy dance. On second thought, no. But I’ll graciously take the PC, thank you.

This is apparently from the same crack team that brought us the “show us your wow” Web site back when Vista was the Apple — er, the gleam in Ballmer’s bloodshot eyes. The site encouraged fans to upload photos and videos so tjat Microsoft could showcase Vista’s whizzy Flip 3D navigation, but it had its own moments of unintentional hilarity — most memorably the video of a skinny topless transvestite shimmying to Shakira to show his/her OS love. Sadly, that site has been consigned to the dustbin of Web history. It was so awful they even purged it from The Wayback Machine.

Also from the Department of Deja Vu Department: It appears Microsoft will indeed include a logo program for Windows 7, slapping stickers on machines that have been officially certified “Compatible With Windows 7.” Lack of hardware compatibility was one of the big black eyes for Vista; unfortunately, so was the Windows Vista Capable labeling program. It seems only devices that work with all versions of Win 7, including the 64-bit version, will carry the Win 7 sticker. Which means that 32-bit netbooks won’t.

So if it doesn’t carry a sticker, will it still run Windows 7? The answer: a) probably, b) maybe, c) we don’t know, d) all of the above. Nice. Expect more user confusion to ensue. Maybe a class-action suit and more deliciously juicy internal e-mails will come out of it too. (A man can dream, can’t he?)

Still, Microsoft seems to have learned a few things from the Vista debacle. Early looks at Windows 7 seem mostly positive, noting the relative simplicity of the OS compared to the mess that was Vista. Reviewing the shipping software for PC World, Technologizer Harry McCracken writes:

“Windows 7 is hardly flawless. Some features feel unfinished; others won’t realize their potential without heavy lifting by third parties. And some long-standing annoyances remain intact. But overall, the final shipping version I test-drove appears to be the worthy successor to Windows XP that Vista never was.”

Maybe Microsoft got it right this time — or right enough. We’ll find out some time on or around October 22, when Win 7 officially ships.

Thank goodness I escaped the Vista efforts. I do believe that Windows 7 is superior to Vista, and I believe it is going to be very popular. However, I wait to be wowed. I was not wowed over the beta cycle, though I see why many people want something new. A year from now, I might be waxing on about Windows 7, but as for now, I’ll say it’s a decent beginning. (I imagine that, right after the party, I will probably use the utility to return the old menu system to it, and make it look like Windows XP. If it then looks like XP and works a bit better underneath, I’ll be thrilled.)

Me, I’m not upgrading, not right away at least. In my experience, the machines that have the most problems with Windows are the ones with new versions grafted on to older hardware. I may take it for a spin on some new machines, though. As long as I don’t have to rely on them to get any work done.

Well, my machine that is being upgraded on party night will be dual booting with 32 bit XP. I am thinking I’ll be giving the system a good month’s worth of thrashing before I announce that Darth Ballmer’s words are not more of the same.

But, that is what we expect from the Big Blue (Hype) Machine. It’s part of life as we know it today. Products (from any manufacturer, so it is not Microsoft alone) are launched with hype, and no one really believes everything said about anything.

In my living room, we’ll be hoping for the best, and watching closely to see what has changed from RC to released product.

Immediately after the last guest leaves, a post will find it’s way here.

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Wouldn’t it be cool if you got one of these flags to put up when you have the house party?

however, we’ll still be using Opera on the installation, we’re giddy from all this, not stupid.