Seed: How People Like Uwe Boll Murder the Horror Genre

I’ve officially seen the most disgusting film of my life, and I don’t mean the “ooo, did you just see his head explode” kind of disgusting either. I’m talking about Seed, directed by the notoriously untalented Uwe Boll. Every scene in the film plays out as if the camera man forgot to turn the camera off. Scenes that should have lasted for two or three minutes drag on for ten, and Boll’s infatuation with himself shines brilliantly among the remains of, what some may call, a feature length film.

The film follows Max Seed, a crazy serial killer (surprise surprise), who survives two jolts in the electric chair. According to Boll, there’s a state law that requires authorities to release a prisoner who survives three electric shock sessions in the electric chair (I’ll refer to it as Sparky from now on). Besides the fact that there is no such law anywhere, the film completely abandons what little logic it possesses when “Sparky” is only utilized twice, before Seed is buried alive. Boll delivers another original twist when Seed returns from the ground to wreak havoc on those who have wronged him (Friday the 13th anyone?). I’ll let you chuckle at the fact that this is “Based on a True Story,” (so was the Land Before Time).

To truly convey the purely self indulged arrogance that Boll possesses, I’ll describe the opening seen. A disclaimer pops up, saying something to the effect of “We are showing this footage to make a statement about humanity.” What follows is footage of a genetic relative to the common dog being skinned alive and beaten. This is actual PETA footage, and clips of it are included in thisvideo (Warning: extremely disturbing content). Apparently, this is Boll’s way of saying that everyone is evil and violent? Good job, douche. This must be Boll’s attempt at philosophical depth, but this message is just about as shallow as Seed’s grave. It is a poor excuse for Boll to completely eviscerate the Horror genre.

I have nothing against violence in movies. I wasn’t offended by the violence in Seed; I was offended by Boll’s lack of talent, storytelling ability, and purpose. I have never truly hated a director after seeing a film, but that has changed. It is due to people like Boll that those with real talent remain undiscovered. The fact that this film had a $10,000,000 budget is absolutely disgusting. Give one mil to ten Indie filmmakers, instead of wasting it on one pathetic excuse for a human being. If you’d like to see one of Boll’s other travesties, be sure to check out the 911 comedy Postal, BloodRayne, or Alone in the Dark. I’m sure that they are all equally as dreadful. Boll isn’t fit to direct a public service announcement.

Remember, I watch these movies so you don’t have to. Spare yourself the agony of watching a bald German’s overinflated ego for an hour and thirty minutes. Fortunately for everyone, Boll has been denied the privilege of directing the World of Warcraft movie (it would be funny if it was a joke, but it’s not).

Tech and Ramen out (but incredibly pissed at other people’s ineptitudes).