The story of my life so far….

This is my life…if you don’t like me then get out of my life and leave me alone. When you choke on your tears and see your heart twist up and tear up inside because of what you did to me. I will not let this go and no matter how I try to get rid of it. These memories have made me a much stronger person and I have rebounded from what you all did to me. When you choke on your own Irony and think that I wont pay you back. You are wrong, this is my payback to you and to everyone who has tired to hurt me in the past.

There have been bad thoughts inside me for almost my whole life and It hurts to keep inside me. For so long I wanted to get help but I never found the the courage to get help. All my life I have been treated like garbage. I have never figured out why so many people hate me for no reason what so ever. I am to angry right now and I need a place to take it out. Don’t worry I wont get to crazy. I hope if you are someone who did hurt me that you realize this is payback.

All I try to do is be a nice person and respect you, but if you treat me bad I’ll do the same to you as well. I don’t care if you don’t like me, if you don’t like me then that’s your own fault. I am a very nice person and I try to treat every with kindness and respect and at least trust them at some point.

My life started to go downhill when I was in middle school. Everyone seemed to not care about me. I was so oblivious to the fact that I kept trying to make my self popular. When we do group work at school I was always either no picked or picked last. This kind of started to bug me at first but now I have gotten to the point of not caring about that and doing my work on my own.

Middle School was very hard on me, as well with my homework, I couldn’t get any homework done because I was so depressed from my dad at school. I started to fall behind in my classes. I wanted to do go in school but I never get to when I was getting pushed around.

Although it was middle school I wasn’t enjoying myself and I wanted to have the time of my life. I hated going to school every single day. I got pushed around made fun of and picked on a lot. It was really hard for me to walk around school when I got picked on l went. Most of the times I kept to myself and didn’t talk to anyone. I’ve always been a shy guy, But I have always been a little shy myself maybe that has to do with it who really knows.

There were times when I go online and people who i thought were my friends would invite me into chatrooms on AOL Instant Messenger. Once I got in they would just start flooding the chat with mean and racial comments that I couldn’t handle and I would cry sometimes and no talk to anyone for days. It was nothing but pain and sorrow. To this day those memories still exist in the back of my mind and it comes back and haunts me every now and then. These memories unfortunately will never fade. The good memories will always fade away and the bad memories will ever leave me alone sadly.

In high school It didn’t get any better in fact it even got worse. Everyone still picks on me and I got way to many threats of people wanting to beat me up. I didn’t want to get into a fight because I would one get into trouble and two go to jail. Then I got a girlfriend and everything went way down hill from here. I have talked about her in a separate blog but I will give some details as to what she did. Everyday when I went to shcool she would meet up with me, that i did not mind so much. The part that pissed me off was when she would interfere with my school work and social life. I almost got expelled from school because of her. At least every other day I would be picked at high school and I hated so much. I wanted to get help but it was just so hard.

No matter what I did it just seemed to get worse and worse, everyone was finding ways to attack me. It got so out of hand that I would do anything I would do anything i could just to get away. Now I want to clarify something, It wasn’t everyone at school it was certain people. Not naming names. Every year it got worse and worse from Freshman year to Junior year. My senior year wasn’t as bad. I would literally come home some days and just cry and not ever talk to my family. My family started getting scared and they were also very worried about me. Even I was confused and didn’t know what to do.

So during the course of my senior year I decided “you know I am going to change myself” I went to a therapy/help group called SNOWBALL. SNIOWBALL is a non profit organization that allows you to talk about problems you may have. You can help others and others help you, people get all emotional and cry and so on. I was way to strong and would not allow myself to cry. Once I left SNOWBALL I was a much happier person and I learn to defend for myself and stick up for not just me but others.

Maybe all of you who have done this to me have seen what you do to me. Even if you haven’t it will not matter. When you all saw my heart rip open into a million pieces, you all tore it apart bit by bit by bit. Do you any of you have any remorse for what you have done to me. I am still waiting for a apologize but why I should I wait for that. Maybe this will never effect you but this has hurt me in more then one way.

Everyone who has hurt me over the last twelve years I will not forget who you are. I hope you all see this and you all apologize. You all can’t block those horrible things you have done to me. If you have blocked these thoughts out of your mind good for you. These memories will never fade. I have not forgotten about you. So if you ever see me again I recommend you stay away from me before I remind of what you did to me. You will not be able to hide and think I wont remember you, I will not let you go.

All I ever wanted was a sincere apologize, but no you have to destroy me inside and out, and made my heart rip out of my chest. When your soul catches up to you I hope you then realize what you have done to me. What did I EVER do to you to deserve this kind of treatment. I have risen from the ashes and have been waiting for an apologize…But I will never get that from all of you. Even if I do I know you will not mean it. I am crippled inside. I am still wating