While divorce and separation are usually the result of two parties being unable to continue to live under the same roof it is important to remember, when children are involved, you are not the only ones being affected by your decision. It would definitely be simpler if that wasn’t the case but when you chose to give birth and bring these young lives into the world you made a commitment knowingly or not to do what is best for them.

I acknowledge that in some situations removing them from a hostile environment may be the best thing for them but how much better to behave as adults and act in a mature matter that helps the children understand that they are not to blame. While this is probably the last thing you are thinking or feeling as you battle with your soon to be ex-spouse unless you act in a manner that is conductive to rational thought you might not be aware of the effect that your words and actions are having on your children.

Remember children are not sounding boards for your frustrations and feelings of disappointment. They need to feel loved by both parents, both set of families, and know that they are going to be taken care of and not abandoned by either. This is even more true of situations where there has been no legal tie of marriage. In these situations it is so easy for the father or the mother for that matter to simply take off and leave the children in the custody of the other parent. When this happens the remaining parent may find themselves in a financial situation that is ruinous.

Having gone through a nasty divorce many years ago, when my own children were teenagers, I know the long-term effects that not playing nice can have on them. While I tried to obey all the court edicts and attend the parenting classes for divorced parents and avoid saying anything negative about my children’s father that was not the case on his side. He blatantly refused to obey any court order rather it be paying the house payment (where he was actually residing as I had moved myself and the children away from there), attending classes, or abiding by the court’s restraining order.

At the time, living in a very small community, his barrage of lies and verbal attacks made life impossible for all of us. Yet, I believe it the children who suffered the most. Thankfully for us the girls had been raised with enough self-worth and love that they were able to survive but to this day they have next to nothing to do with their own father.

In other custody battles one can see how the children are affected when the father or mother fights paying child support. To them it is the same as saying I don’t care about you. The same is true when frivolous law suits and custody battles pursue. Unfortunately, it appears that it is common for the non-custodial parent to file claims for joint legal or physical custody in an attempt to delay court ordered child-support payments. Filing these requests, however, is not the real problem. It is the knowledge that the suit is just a tactic to harass and hurt the custodial parent. This is especially true of the parent who has never met the child or who has shown no interest the child from an early age. Thankfully, the court will take into consideration the fact of child support paid. If the non-custodial parent has not paid any child support or has sought to escape payment the court is likely to deny them any contact with the dependent child.

On the negative side, however, again this means that the child is denied the opportunity to know the non-custodial parent and may well feel that they are not important enough or worthy of that parent’s love.

With all this said my point is that when divorcing yourself, from a situation legal or otherwise, the parties need to take great care in what they say about the other partner in front of the children. They also need to do all that is within their power to insure that the child is allowed to spend time with both parents and is made to feel as secure as possible. This should entail a time each day for the child to spend with both parents if at all possible and this time should be spent keeping the child on a schedule that is similar to the one they shared when you were all living in the same house. That would mean that if the child is with the father over dinner time and home work time that this routine would still exist. If the mother has the child when the routine would involve their cleaning their room then that task is still done.

I firmly believe that the more ordinary that divorcing parents can keep the child’s routine and the more that the stress can be kept out of the picture the better for the children involved. Remember you are not divorcing the children, whether you are leaving the home or not, and that means that before God you are still responsible for their emotional, financial, and physical well-being.

Tags: custody, custody battles, children, physical custody, emotional well-being of children, legal custody, sole-custody, joint custody, child support, non-custodial parent, custodial parent, parenting classes