Support Rep: Looks like we have to reboot the computer.

Customer: You mean the whole thing?

Support Rep: Well, I don’t know how to reboot half of it do you?

Calling Tech Support? Need immediate help solving a Windows error message? You didn’t write down the error message when the problem occurred? That’s OK, just make one up. The tech should be able to figure it out if you state any general error such as “dll error”. No need to be specific here. We’re psychic and can figure things out without complete information.

Then sigh into the phone if I ask you to recreate the issue so that I can get the actual error message. It’s totally acceptable to feel burdened by having to click your mouse a few times so that I can help you. Sighing and being sarcastic helps with the troubleshooting process also, and makes me want to help you more.

In continuing my rant about dumb people calling me on the computer support line, this morning I experienced another situation I get regularly. Customers sometimes call and ask me a question, then I answer the question with 100% certainty. The customer then proceeds to disagree with my answer. OK? If you already know the answer, then why are you calling the support line?

Suddenly the customer becomes an ‘expert’ on your product. They start telling you how the product YOU support works. The product that YOU have been trained on. The product that is made by the company YOU work for. Funny how they would know more than YOU. In my case this morning the customer wanted to talk to somebody else. I’ve been with my company for years and welcomed him to call back in if he wished.

I understand that some customers really do know more at times. They actually use the software so they may know more about the actual functionality than I do. I am fine with accepting when a customer knows more than me. I like to think of when a customer calls as the start of teamwork. Me and them working to find the solution together, no matter who knows more. However, I get more people calling me that know nothing about computers, and do nothing but argue with me when I try to help them.

These are the same people that call every day for every little issue they encounter. They are the reason free tech support is becoming a thing of the past. The reason companies outsource so they don’t have to spend as much money supporting these people. The reason we all have to suffer with poor, underpaid, under-experienced support reps when the rest of us call with real problems.

Some people amaze me. They can’t seem to think for themselves let alone head in the direction of solving problems on their own. It’s just plain laziness to experience a problem and then immediately call somebody else and put them to work for you without trying anything first.

I’ve always been a person that likes to solve problems on my own. I like to use my mind. I can’t imagine ever calling somebody to help me until I’ve exhausted all options on my own. Then again, some of the people I talk to end up breaking things worse. Restarting the computer however is a no-brainer. You have no worries about restarting and causing more problems.

I also love how some people also have an attitude if I suggest that they restart the computer first thing when they call. They never think it will solve their issue. The sarcasm just oozes through the phone. When restarting does work, they usually act angry and question why they have to restart to get it to work properly. It’s a computer people! A computer running Windows. It just needs to be refreshed sometimes.

I know it’s good job security to have people relying on me for computer support, but I think I’d rather be unemployed than have to deal with people that are too lazy to try the simple stuff on their own. Besides, I have plenty of other people that really need my help for real problems.

I thought I’d share my latest email to the Tech Support department at a large corporation. This time we’re dealing with Philips because the DVD-RW drive doesn’t work correctly. Their SPD2513BD/17 installs Microsoft drivers dated in 2001 for this drive. I thought surely there must be new drivers. Apparently their isn’t and they rely on Microsoft to make drivers for their own device, which I think is extremely lame.

Here is the email in broken English. “They all does not have a driver” Do you think I’m talking to somebody overseas or what?

Dear Valued Customer,
All of the SPD- model units (burners/CD/DVD-roms) they all does not have a driver; they all uses the Window’s default driver for the operation. In another word, the unit shall be plug-in and play once you installed the unit to your computer.

If you are experiencing a driver issue with a message and or an error code, that message is coming from Windows. Visit www.support.microsoft.com and type in the message and or error code and the site will provide you some solutions on fixing the problem.

If you are experiencing a problem that the unit is not being recognize by the computer, check the jumper setting and the BIOS.

If you are experiencing a problem that the unit is being recognized by the computer, but not reading any media, go to the Device Manager to check the DVD region.

Hope this will give you some ideas on how to resolve your driver problem.

Best regards,
Technical Support
PLDS, USA
SL

I think I might write back and say “Somebody set us up the bomb. All your base are belong to us!” but they might think I’m serious and call the police, so I won’t.

Not many companies believe in providing its customers with free, quality technical support anymore. A tech support department means an unwanted expense to a big company, hence they are outsourcing tech support departments to places like India left and right.

Even getting simple tasks done seems to be a challenge for some customers. I once called Electronic Arts about a Sims game that wasn’t working because the CD was scratched. I just wanted a replacement CD. Instead, I was forced through troubleshooting. I’m not sure the representative understood me at all when I kept telling him “The CD is destroyed!”. He still wasted a half hour “troubleshooting” and ended up telling me to update my CD-ROM drivers.

I hear many stories from Dell and Gateway customers. The steps their techs often provide include no-brainers such as “Have you restarted your computer yet?” or “Is your monitor on?”. Instead of simply fixing the issue, they usually end up walking you through using your recovery CD to restore your computer to the factory default software, erasing all of your data.

Whenever you buy a technical product, do not expect support. Don’t even waste your time calling. Just assume that you aren’t going to get good support from the product manufacturer and seek help elsewhere such as an web forum or third-party support company. It’s just not worth your time.

I have spent a lot of time taking helpdesk and technical support calls. I often wonder how much of my time is spent actually solving problems over the phone as opposed to dealing with all the other things that don’t relate or hinder the troubleshooting process. I decided to make a simple little guide that everybody should follow when calling a support line or their helpdesk for their technical related problems.

Stop complaining and let me solve your issue

Us people that take support calls, we are problem solvers. We want to solve your problem and get you off the phone. Ok, so your issue has been happening for a while, and you’ve been dealing with other people in my department. I understand that. Can we please get to solving what you called for please? If I can just do that, there will be no reason to complain. I can understand some level of venting, but when it goes on forever it hinders our ability and desire to help you.

Follow our direction and do nothing else

Call, describe your problem and then let us take over. It’s now time for us to direct you. Click only where we tell you to click and type only when and where we tell you to type. Forget about the screens you were on before or other areas where there was a problem. Bouncing around and doing your own thing will only result in a longer call.

Don’t say that you are a tech

If you are a computer tech yourself and you feel you are going to win points with the tech you are calling by saying “I’m a tech!”, forget about it. Understand that 9 out of 10 people that claim they are “techs” aren’t able to follow the simple direction they are provided. If you truly are a tech, you won’t need to tell me. I will know just by the way you follow direction. I also know you want to solve the issue now by trying your own things in the middle of the steps I’m walking you through, but please see above.

Have the error message written down

If there was an error message, please be sure you can recite it to the tech when you call. That way we can search for it in our knowledgebase or on the internet and come up with a quick solution. If you don’t have the exact error message VERBATIM, it helps us very little. Don’t just make up an error message that sounds similar either. It won’t help much in most cases.

Be in front of the computer when you call

It amazes me how many people call and think that a problem can be troubleshooted while they are on their morning drive miles away from their computer. This should be a no brainer, but I guess people feel they are somehow saving time instead of wasting mine.

I can’t help you in getting compensation

If you want money back because your computer problems are making you suffer, I can’t do anything about it. Seriously! I have no “pull” in that direction, nor do I care to. Take all that up with your salesman or our billing department. We are problem solvers. We solve the technical issue you are having and that is our only function.

No, we don’t know it all

Some people expect all of the answers to their problems right now. They get frustrated when they don’t get them right away. Please understand that things need to be researched and that may take time.We also may give information that is not true from time to time. Again, we don’t know it all and we are human and may slip up from time to time. It doesn’t mean we are stupid or have less knowledge than somebody else.

Before calling support, please try restarting your computer

I hate asking people to restart their computer, but sometimes I have to. Sometimes I don’t even remember to ask until an hour into the call because this should be tried by the user before they even call. Computers malfunction and sometimes just need to be restarted. If that does the trick, then move on. By doing so you avoid wasting our time and yours.

Be sure you are calling the right people

Check to make sure the product you are using is supported by the people you are calling. If you bought a Dell computer loaded Adobe software on it, Dell is not going to help you with it. They know nothing about it. Call Adobe.