I’m fat. No ifs, ands or buts. This is why i am finally doing something about it. But, as with any new life changing decision, there will your lil downfalls. I was talking with my homey on the way home from work. It’s interesting, i knew it (previous to him stating it straight), but we’re essentially the same person inside. It’s funny bout something like that, like i always tell people in situations. You’re always, always..ALWAYS that fat lil kid inside. You just never seem to be able to escape that within yourself. It’s like with anything, if you’re short, if you’re ugly, if you’re beautiful, if you’re anything, you have youre bullies but there’s just something about being fat that always makes you a target.

I’m curious, how many of you suffer from these types of dreams. You are in a fight, and it seems no matter how hard you swing or hit you might as well be a 2yr old hitting a 50lb heavy-bag cuz you’re not gonna do any type of damage to the person you’re fighting in your dream. It struck me as odd that i hadn’t realized this was a dream resulting from a type of scarring within your own being that always leaves you feeling as though you’re just not good enough.

It’s saddening, if i wasn’t as tall as i am, growing up might have been a lot tougher. In a sense, my size kept me safe from serious bullying. My friend, however, wasn’t so lucky. I was never in a serious fight, the only types of quarrels i got into were name-calling and the like, perhaps a bit of pushing and shoving. He had it rough; way more than i can ever begin to explain.  So, what’s different, well, he got into the Corp. He was a marine, signed up, and they whipped his ass into shape. Had to, didn’t really have a choice but then more power to him cuz he never quit. So, now, he’s about average size/weight, but he’s still all messed up inside.

I post this here because being a geek, we all know what it’s like to be made fun of. And not nit-picking on geekdom, there are plenty overweight among our ranks. So, i wonder, how many of us aren’t dealing with these issues on a daily basis. Let’s be honest, not many of us are athletic whatsoever. I had it good in that growing up; i know how to play baseball, how to throw a football, etc..etc… but, it’s just never the same. Genetics are a bitch. I never ran anywhere near as fast as the other kids, i couldn’t keep up w/ many of them growing up, etc..etc..and it really does impact your personality drastically. I think this is why many of us once reaching adult-hood are mis-understood.

We’re not trouble-makers always lookin’ for a fight, we’re trying to prove ourselves. We’re not overachievers, we just wanna prove we can do it just as well as anyone else. It’s true, obesity and such is a major issue in today’s world. But, the true problem has always been the bullies in the world. Why do we as human beings need to belittle and put down our fellow brothers/sisters to make ourselves feel better, or even just cuz they’re there. I hate it and it sickens me that we target those who are different among us and put them into the spot light when they’re just trying to get through the day just like the rest of us.

What’s the point of this post, i don’t know, i don’t think i have one. Just these are my thoughts for tonight. There was an incident at work while we were closing up between my boy and this other foo. The issue of course, the other guy, he fit the bully profile perfectly. He was just that perfect amount taller and bigger. It sent my boy into a bit of a relapse. It worries me and at the same time opens my eyes. You may seem on the outside like you’ve come so far, but on the inside, miles turn into feet and inches. I guess, my question is..Can you overcome childhood issues once you’re into adulthood? or do you just carry them with you forever….

I hope not, that’d be seriously disapointing. I think this post is proof i’m evolving internally from who i was in the past into who i am today. Even just a few months ago, ain’t no way in hell i would have the balls to write about this issue, let alone admit that about myself. But, it’s true. And, short of health reasons, there’s nothing wrong with being fat. The issue is, are you happy with yourself. I’m not, it’s keeping me from being my true self cuz in today’s society, looks count for a lot. I simply cannot be ME looking the way i look. So, enough, i wanna be able to shine, to be my true self, and not be seen as just the big dude or the fat one or my personal fav. Fat/big boy/man. These terms are meaningless, they’re just words, but when you’ve been through life looking at things a certain way, words hurt more than you think. I don’t expect any of you to agree or anything, it takes a lot to be that honest w/ yourself, but atleast i know on the inside, somewhere you’re agreeing and hey, you’re not alone. There are thousands of people dealing w/ the same shit you go through. And, know what, it’s okay. it’ll all be ok. Just gotta decide for yourself, are you happy or not…if you are, good for you i’m envious, if you’re not, ok, do something about it. There’s no time like the present.

-L8z

p.s. Movies like heavyweights and Angus, well, many angus is ok, it’s actually pretty honest, but Heavyweights treats the issue like a joke, it’s really not. It’s encouraging the behavior and it’s not ok. It’s interesting, it’s been stated before and it’s true, we can be all politically correct bout nationality, racism, etc..etc.. but, Fat jokes are always funny…they are, yeah, but at whose expense? think about that.