Twitter In Love: Getting Beyond Love At First Sight In Social Media
In the first three articles, Death By Twitter, Life After Twitter, and Life Beyond Twitter, I shared with you stories from my parent’s computer retail business, my own woes with a former business partner, and some rather serious tips on how to proceed through life, death, and rebirth as a company. I assure you that this blog post is different: a tad bit lighter, and something to take in stride as you skip merrily towards Valentine’s Day 2010.
Warning: everything in this article is absolutely true.
Caveat: I still do keep an open mind towards everyone and everything until I get pissed off, or your idea sucks.
Recently, a friend shared with me his beliefs about love. He said, “There is no such thing as ‘being in love.’ All you’re feeling is a chemical reaction: biology meets the body. Even if I thought I was in love, I would not trust it.”
I ruminated for a moment. As a psychotherapist, I enjoy being around “new love.” New love birds are snuggly and sweet, with an innocence bordering on insanity, and they emit a positive energy that feels like a warm blanket on a cold day. Rarely do new love birds come to counseling; I usually see couples when they aren’t so love bird-ish anymore, when feathers have been loved off, when there are more wrinkles on foreheads, and the sweetness of being freshly loved has decomposed somewhere between the diaper bag and the garbage pail. If there is no such thing as being in love beyond a simple biochemical reaction, it really undermines a lot of our thinking about what makes the world go ’round, or what makes life worth living. As much as some grind their teeth about it, most of us don’t want to leave this planet without being in love at least once.
Finding a new business partner is a bit like falling in love. If you think there can’t be biochemical sparks flying, consider how you might feel if you:
- Encounter a like-minded person in your field, who
- Shares an affinity for the same kind of product, service, or concern, and
- Is passionate about what he or she does for work, while
- Wanting to make a good income doing what s/he loves.
If you’ve been stumbling around with a hole in your business, a potential business mate can give you the butterflies, full of hope as well as anxiety. Remember that last business partner or employee? Still smarting from the heel mark she left on your back as she trampled you on the way out? Or are you disappointed that the good times rolled away when your last partner moved on to another venture?
There’s a reason why people say “love is blind”: they say it because it is true. If love weren’t blind, none of us would ever get together long enough to have children (or with businesses, to launch a product and turn a profit). How can you tell if you’ve found “Ms. Right” or that perfect business partnership? The following five elements are not the end-all merits for a great partnership, but they’ll put you on the right track.
5 Things to Look for in a Potential Partner
1. A long and clear track or training record, including references, about their actual work. You would think that this would be a “no-brainer,” but if you’re “in love,” you might not actually ask to see work references or a resume. You might think that a LinkedIn search was enough. You should still conduct a thorough online search about your potential workmate, but remember: you don’t just want to look at what is said. You also want to look for what is unsaid. Compare the resume with verbal reports from former co-workers, friends, and colleagues. Start creating a mental construct from the constellation of reports, and look for congruencies and inconsistencies.
2. Character. People rarely hesitate to share the character traits of their pets: friendly, feisty, good with children, clever, obedient, gentle. But when it comes to people, we often forget to observe and name the character traits that we see: aggressive, fearful, impatient, kind, generous, friendly, cautious, clumsy, confident.
On the lighter side of things, people have developed many different ways of determining character, from the Chinese “science” of face reading, to the Science of Life ayurveda readings of Jyotish. When we ask, “What’s your sign?” it might be to learn trivia, but it also falls in the search for character, even if you don’t believe astrology holds much credence. My personal favorite is observing non-verbal communication. Does the person ever smile or laugh? Do they hold a lot of tension in their shoulders, foreheads, and jaw? Do they make long eye contact with me? What kind of gaze are they able to handle? Do they walk quickly as if they are making a jail break? Fast or slow eaters? Any nervous tics?
One of my counseling professors told a seemingly trivial story about socks. After purchasing a pair of cashmere socks, he simmered with anger when he tore a small hole in both socks after failing to use a pair of scissors to separate them from a small plastic loop. His point: how you do one thing is often a template for how you do everything. What is unsaid — the non-verbal messages — about a person can reveal very important clues about personality, congruency, habit, and performance.
3. Problem solver. A problem solver is the antithesis of a complainer/whiner and often make excellent business partners. They are usually not prone to gossip or spending needless hours putting others down (although they can still be opinionated). Instead of saying, “I can’t stand it when…” the problem solver describes a problem with the hope that he might be able to come up with a viable solution, either by himself or with the help of others. Problem solvers love puzzles; you can’t pay them enough for the amount of hours their minds roam the planet looking for the perfect idea, person, object, sound – whatever it takes – to solve the puzzle and move onto the next mystery.
The only drawback to working alongside a Problem Solver as a business partner is dealing with perfectionism. You decide if that is a character flaw you can live with. Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, most documents, aesthetics, tasks, and projects are going to be attended to with astonishing results! On the other hand, these may not be completed on time, other’s work downplayed, or her own projects devalued because of that same perfectionism.
4. Ease with people. Ideal business partners have a mix of skills that lie somewhere between mastery of technical skills and fluency of management skills. Rarely does someone have that perfect combination. What you’re looking for is someone who has better-than-average communication skills, isn’t afraid to confront, is personable, approachable, and engenders trust with you and with others. Humor is a plus: comedy is a keeper. A test: what does your body feel like when you’re around this person? Tense? Relaxed? Do you want to vomit like Southpark’s Stan vomits on Wendy every time you meet? Listen to your intuition (emotional reactions felt in the stomach), or better yet, use what Malcolm Gladwell calls “rapid cognition” — what we think in just two seconds – in his book, “Blink” (2005). If you pay attention, you’ll also observe how this person feels when you are in his presence. It’s a two-way street.
5. Flexibility. While fitness trainers have a motto, “You’re only as young as your spine,” flexibility in relation to one’s work and one’s outlook on life are perhaps the “spine” of your potential business partner. If she lacks flexibility, she isn’t going to do well with the rate of change happening in the world of social media and technology.
Having flexibility is like a seasoned surfer. Seasoned surfers don’t always catch every wave. They learn to read the waves, are willing to paddle back and forth to set themselves up in the best position to catch one, but they won’t stay in the same place, waiting for the wave to come to them. A flexible business partner understands that times change, and she must change… or die.
Flexible people are “outside the box” thinkers. They know how to prioritize and aren’t overly frazzled when the market changes. They tend to roll with the punches rather than donning boxing gloves to defend themselves. This is different from boundary-less people. People without boundaries tend to seethe with resentment under the surface of “no problem” and “OK I’ll do it.” Truly flexible people find a “flow.” You’ll know you’re with a flexible person when you feel their positive energy even in crunch time.
5 Red Flags to Look Out For
If you’re “in love,” you might not notice even glaring flaws unless you know what to look for. Here are a few red flags that suggest that you smile, slowly retreat towards the door while facing your potential mate, and then run away for the sake of your business. Run away, and don’t look back.
1.”We’re perfect! When do we start?” As with any other relationship, I recommend a “getting to know you phase” of at least three months. If you feel the other person is rushing into things and resists being scrutinized, there’s probably a reason. If you sense pushiness from the get-go, just imagine what it will be one year down the road.
2. Begins conversations with a complaint. The person who always sees the glass half empty tends to have a negative spin to just about anything. Unless you work well with this, complainers are the Eeyore of the business world. If you think this is funny, sit down with your kid and watch the video about Eeyore’s Birthday (in which he receives two presents). Although complainers can serve a purpose, you might not want your chief complainer to be your business partner. Or your bagel boy, for that matter. Next candidate, please?
3. Shows little curiosity or powers of observation. People who pretend they know everything drive me crazy. They cannot admit when they are wrong, and they have lost all wonder for life. The most curious are the most creative, and there are no bounds to the kinds of ideas that flow from their observations. I’d rather be the cat killed by curiosity than the water buffalo drowned by a slowly rising river that he never noticed was coming up around his head.
4. Has not shared a disagreement, or avoids conflict at all costs. This should scare you. Not that you should seek someone who needs to fight all the time, but on the opposite end of the spectrum, you don’t need to have a partner who cannot or will not share a disagreement. Failure to go toe-to-toe with you may end up being costly. You want a business partner who can see your own blind spots, projections, insecurities, and weaknesses, and won’t fail to share how she sees these affecting your happiness and productivity. If you that isn’t your potential partner’s strongest suit, hire a counselor/coach instead.
5. Shows signs for the following personality disorders: Borderline, Borderline, and… Borderline. I don’t want the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV to determine who becomes your business partner, but someone with Borderline personality (and yes, Borderline’s can be male too!) or the double whammy NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) AND BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) are too much to handle in the workplace for most folks. You won’t know if you’re coming or going, and you’ll have to worship the little motherfucker in order to get anything done.
Everyone has their issues. You have your own issues, for crying out loud. But know what you’re getting into if your potential business shows signs of turning his schizophrenic word salad poetry into the next hit song. The mania that gets the job done in the first few months may become the months of depression, missed days of work, and irrational behavior that exhausts your personal resources and makes you hate what you do.
While we’re on the topic, I don’t recommend workers who have a history of untreated addictions to drugs or alcohol either. People with addictions won’t be able to hide their behavior for the three-month minimum observation period (see #1) you’ll be requesting. Anyone who makes exception to drinking or drugging on the job has compromised his ability to choose or to exert control. While this seems like yet another no-brainer, you have no idea how many people have come to me for advice about how to deal with a co-worker or employee with drug and alcohol problems. It’s usually a five-minute conversation: what legal contracts have you signed, does the person have health insurance that will pay for rehab, and what plan do you have to replace that person until you figure out a better method of selection?
As a psychotherapist, I can’t tell you to call them a psycho hose beast and to get the fuck out of your life. I can say you should avoid taking someone on who isn’t very good at caring for themselves. You want someone who can stand on their own two feet, not someone who will show up for work with a static-cling sock stuck in their hoodie, stumbling about with a hangover, or foraging for food after a night of the munchies. They are just the type to brag about what they think they are getting away with on their Facebook status, exuding a stable facade whilst their personal life is eroding in a sea of medicated pain.
The cycle has come full circle. I have a new company, Hipsforhire.com, and I have a new potential business partner. We’re doing that dance: contracts, expectations, waiting period, resumes, and background checks. I’m also looking forward to helping more friends and colleagues through the relational aspects of their business ventures, as I’ve finished my CEUs for professional coaching. As long as I don’t light anything on fire, I think this time around is going to be a lot better. Are you looking for a new business partner? What’s your best tip to finding the right fit?
Bernice Imei Hsu, RN, MAC, LMHC is a nurse psychotherapist, yoga instructor, cat lover, dance enthusiast, audiophile, clean freak, occasional snowboarder, and globe trotter. This is her fourth blog article for Lockergnome, and more of her writing can be found at www.hipsforhire.ning.com or @hipsforhire on Twitter. When she’s not trying to change the world, she’s livestreaming her cat Charles-Monet, staying away from matches, and documenting her first 365-1/4 days as the “n00b” to Social Media. She lives with her ricecooker and her cat in Seattle, WA.