Benny was a really bad sport. Benny had a front porch that smelled of onions that his mother was storing for some inexplicable purpose. And his father toyed with taxidermy on the side and always had decaying animal parts in the garage. Nice place to visit, huh? Oh, and if you felt hot in the summertime and wanted to take a dip in the pool, you would be joined by a family of frogs that swam better than you did.

Benny’s backyard was a legendary Wiffleball field. Armed with handwritten lineups consisting of ballplayers of the day, Jimmy would occasionally challenge Benny to a game or two of Wiffleball. Wiffleball was always an inexact science, and the rules really depended on who and where you were playing. The standard Wiffleball rules were really no fun, i.e. “you have to hit the ball ‘X’ number of feet for a single, double, triple, etc.”

The Hell with that.

Benny and Jimmy visualized a baseball diamond complete with fielders stationed in the proper areas and would estimate whether a ball that was hit would drop into centerfield for a clean single or would be scooped up by the fielder. Of course, these estimations would lead to much debate. Jimmy would occasionally crank one to deep left field that was grabbed by an outstretched tree limb, effectively “stealing” a home run from the slugger. Benny would rarely admit that the ball would have traveled the proper distance for a home run if it had not been interfered with by the tree branch. Fights would always ensue. Bats would be thrown across the yard. The pitch back net that was utilized as the standard Wiffleball strike zone/ball return would be severely damaged by temper tantrums involving the plastic bats and flailing amateur roundhouse kicks. But it was all justified, for this was the Wiffleball World Series!

Following a draining nine-inning game, the boys could always rely on Benny’s mother to provide nourishing food in her kitchen. Though rarely at home, she would leave favorites such as Banquet pot pies that had expired three-and-a-half years prior and had instant rebate offers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle magnets on them… never mind that this was 1994. Deeelicious, can I have another?

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Tags: wiffleball, wiffleball world series, baseball card death, taxidermy, baseball diamond