Imagine this:

You are deep in a slumber, numb to the world. It is late; the wee early hours of the next day… Suddenly a loud series of raps jolts you to consciousness.

Grabbing your robe, you head off to the door. The thoughts rambling through your barely lucid brain are far from pleasant… The dream you were ripped from is too erotic to even be mentioned here. As you head down the stairs, the rapping repeats even louder. Annoyed, you rip the door open.

Before you stand two police officers. Well, kind of… They almost look like police officers. Their uniforms are blend of styles borrowed from the Boy Scouts, The Gestapo and a Dick Tracy comic. It is obvious that they think they are police officers.

The one on your right, looking waaaay too much like Arnold in Terminator, does not even give your gasping breath a chance to return when he starts loudly "Are you our target market?"

Your brain freezes. Like… What do you say to that?

Before the thaw, the second officer, looking more like the platoon sergent in Platoon, starts with "We gotta talk to you" as he moves across your threshold.

Officer Terminator enters and continues "Are you among the many loyal buyers of recorded material that has sustained our employer’s excessive litigation efforts for years? Do you now own or have ever owned any RECORDED MATERIAL? Why do you belong to a P2P network? Why haven’t you responded to our letter?"

His voice now raised even louder, "We are here to and prepared to charge you with numerous charges…"

Like a bad scene in a Starsky and Hutch movie, the partner stepped in. With a soft voice and evil grin… "Of course, you could settle now, for a ridiculously high price, and we could forget the whole thing."

"Have you been eating like ridiculously dangerous mushrooms?", you reply. Noticing the guns on their belts and a bus load of attorneys in your driveway, you decide to further inhibit your original primal waking urge to kill your slumber’s interrupter.

"YOU THINK WE ARE PLAYING!!!" shouts Officer Terminator as he leans into your ear like a scene from Gomer Pyle.

Again Officer Frankenstein politely intervenes. "Sir, the reality is we are very serious. Although we understand that you are a long time supporter of our employers industry, we regret that times have changed. We are agents of an agency that has outlived its usefulness and are here to squeeze any last dollar out of our dwindling supporters. We are very serious."

"YEAH… SERIOUS" blurts Terminator.

About now you are more than awake enough to realize the following:

• You are not dreaming. Breath as bad as Terminator’s can not be dreamed. Reality is always uglier than psyche. Only something real could smell that bad.
• Terminator could shred you to nothing with only his eyelashes if he only held you close to his face and rapidly blinked. In other words, physical resistance equals certain death.
• You are certain you did nothing wrong. You are just as certain that this can not be real. Of course, that is last for it seems to matter naught.

Nice guy continues "Yes, unfortunately for you, we are very serious. Now the situation, fortunately for you, is reconcilable. Just cooperate."

You utter "huh" as your brain attempts to decide whether your next best action should be to flee or hope Rod Sterling walks into the scene to buy you more time with a commercial break.

Rod does not arrive. We all know that terminators can run. "What did I do ?" you ask. In reality, it was just a line to by time, hoping your legs work the muster up to flee…

"Do? … Do, you say" quipped Officer Nice "it is more like what you didn’t do. You stopped buying our cheesy over-priced product."

"You sold out. You chose something other than our CDs. You bought an iPod!! You visit Pod Safe Audio! You are not giving us your money for overpriced prepackaged music generated by artist who are nothing more than indentured servant. You listen to Adam Cury! You bought music by independent artist. So now we are here to take what is ours… Give us your money!"

Throwing caution to the wind, you realize you must stand your ground. (Your bad mushroom idea is making more and more sense as well.) "So exactly what are you going to charge me with? I’ve done nothing wrong."

"Well for one thing we are going to charge you with suspicion." slyly stated Officer Nice Guy, "… and that is just the beginning."

"Yeah, suspicion" repeated Terminator

"Suspicion?" you question, "Suspicion is a charge?"

"That is not a factor" replied Frankenstein "The reality is that we are here to present you with a rare and special opportunity. We are offering you a chance to settle at a discount. Pennies on the future dollar… Let us say that you hand over to us your entire college fund, admit unconditional guilt and promise to submit to our will for eternity… Then my reasonable friend, we will forget the whole thing."

"You can’t be serious? You want me to settle for suspicion."

"No. We are serious. Heck, we even sue dead people. No one is safe from our litigation. Coffee shops are next. We even have a committee investigating the possibility of nursing homes."

"Nursing Homes?", you question.

"Yeah" he replied "we gotta think of the future. Most of em’ got pension funds and such, so it’s a bit of a honey pot. "

"Sooo… Let me get this straight." your mind now getting a grasp on the situation "You intend to hit me with some ambiguous charges unless I willfully give into your desires. Isn’t that extortion?"

"Not exactly" explained Terminator "Extortion is an individual act. We represent an elite group within an industry that regularly practices payola, restrictive contracts, shady accounting and, of course, coercive collection practices. We are organized in our efforts so racketeering is likely a better word. "

Finally, you really wake up. Screaming. A few moments and a Valium later you are ready to attempt returning to your slumber. You know it had to be a dream. Such things could never happen in the United States. We have laws against that right?

Wait, was that a knock?

[tags]RIAA, Satire, Opinion, Copyright, podsafe, P2P[/tags]