More from the Anti-Sports

It’s no secret that I don’t like sports.  But I intend to be the kind of president who tolerates sports well, in spite of not liking them.  Just because I detest sports doesn’t mean they should cease to exist.

Or does it?

The reason I may be reconsidering is that the local baseball millionaires club is doing something unprecedented: winning games.

Last night around midnight, I was minding my own business, working on some blog ideas, when I started hearing screaming and whooping.  Then explosions.  Finally, a car drove down the street, blowing its horn repeatedly.  At midnight.  In a suburban residential area.

Being relatively quick on the draw, I figured the Phillies won a game or something (I didn’t know they were playing).  Unfortunately I didn’t have a shotgun with which to be quick on the draw or I would have installed all sorts of ventilation holes in one car whose driver had a horn issue.

I don’t care what is happening, short of nuclear war: do not drive down the street at midnight, blowing your horn repeatedly.  Ok, on New Years, but that’s it.

A coworker didn’t understand my position on horn-blowing and set about quizzing me.  We established that even if Jimi Hendrix returned from Beyond to give me guitar lessons, there was not to be any midnight horning.

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I wouldn’t even notice sports, if it weren’t for the yahoos (kinda like religion, I guess).  A team wins a few games and everybody in Philly becomes a `hardcore’ fan.  It’s only a matter of a day until t-shirts are sold out and cars start sporting “I’m a Moron” flags with their team logo.

Then perfectly good television and radio shows start to get interrupted.  Everyone at work wears one color primarily.  People keep trying to figure out how to stream the games over the internet, clogging the company’s pipes for the people who are actually working.

Today I found out that last year, the yahoos were climbing light poles.  To combat this, Philthydelphia just greased the poles.  I am not making this up.

Considering that Philly is broke and just raised its sales tax to eight percent, it can’t afford to run around prophylactically greasing poles, as it were.  I say STOP THE GREASING.  In addition to the cost savings, a few of the more aware yahoos may get to witness Darwinism at its finest: those who climb the poles and fall won’t live to breed.  Yes, it will decimate the tax base but at least it will be an overall smarter tax base.

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Of course some genius at work will no doubt put in a request to get the Game on the big screen.  And where I work, this is not considered a frivolous request.  They even set up the big screen for Obama’s inauguration.  All of the sudden I will be sitting at my desk and I will be the only person in the room.  Everybody else will be Watchin’ the Game.

And my antiquated notions of what WORK is will swirl around my unsteady head, as I fail, yet again, to grasp this.

It’s much easier to hate sports when one of its millionaire animals abuses animals, hence football.