If We Have It, It’s Probably Down

I refer to the place in which I work as the Twilight Zone.  I do so affectionately (sort of).  For the past few days, it’s been getting a lot more Zoney, proving once again that I sure picked a bad week to stop smoking crack.

I suggested hiring some consultants to assist with a mail server (alleged) upgrade.  I didn’t feel comfortable doing it with the existing squad, as no one had ever done this before.  Superstitious, I know, but that’s me.

Consultant B was in-house for three days, then at his next gig.  Unfortunately we didn’t have a complete server.  One day later we discovered we didn’t have POP email access either.  Frantic emails to Consultant B’s employer netted a fairly rapid response but still no POP access.

None of this would be a problem except for the fact that our external offices use POP to access their email, not to mention the Crackberry server, which was also affected.  Just to put the cherry on the sundae, neither the owner nor his wife could get their email via iPhone, Crackberry, Treo, tin cans, or laptops.

We advised everyone to use webmail, which was fully functional.

Never one to miss an opportunity, the owner and spouse called every day, then had their personal secretaries call again within an hour to ask about the status.  Marriage Math states that it is always easier to explain the problem twice to two people, rather then expect a married couple to communicate a single bit of info.

We spent the day giving out the webmail address and going over the same thing we just told everyone.  Note: if you’re going to intensely quiz the IT staff about what is wrong, what they think is wrong, and how long will it take (to the second) to fix it, please don’t expect them to fix the problem also.

Back on the cell phone is the owner, with the NEWSFLASH of the year: he can’t get his mail.  I explain for the third time that this is because of the server issue.  I suggest webmail.  How, he asks, does he access that?

“Type this.  H.   T.   T.   P.  Colon…..”

What a second.  Where am I supposed to be typing this?

“In your browser.  You know, Internet Explorer” [because to explain about Firefox would be ponderous].

Oh, ok, let me get to the part of the mansion with the computer.

“H.  T.  T…”

Ok, H.  T.  P?

“Two T’s.”   [this could not possibly be the first time he's ever typed http before - why is it such a friggin' mystery all of the sudden?]

“Ok, http colon..”

Which one’s the colon? [the one I'm tempted to wrap around your neck at the moment]

“Ok, now put in your password.”

Uh-oh.  What if I don’t remember my password?

“You mean the one you use every day?”

Oh yeah.. password1234 [give that man a gold star]

“Put in your password and hit ENTER.”

I did and it’s not working.

“Ok, let me try here.  Yes, it works for me.  Please restart your browser and try again.”

Maybe you could give me another password. [there is no polite phrase for YOU APPARENTLY CAN'T TYPE]

“Try again.”

Oh, ok, it’s working now.  I got my name wrong.

“You have a nice day and let me know if you have any other problems.”  [No, I will not chew your food for you.]

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To celebrate people being able to access their email, something ate part of the filesystem where our user files are kept.

Fortunately we have a backup.  Unfortunately the restore will take forever.

Fortunately we can fix some of this mess manually.  Unfortunately it’s not fast enough for the masses, who are continually asking what’s wrong (in spite of the emails we’ve sent out, detailing the problem and our solution).

Fortunately we have big internet pipes.  Unfortunately they’re mostly clogged by the restore (and Faceyspaces traffic).

Fortunately I have a highly-motivated, very qualified team.  Unfortunately we have to stop every five minutes to give status reports to my boss, bless her pointy head.

Fortunately we only had to build one server for the email upgrade.  Unfortunately we’re up to about three and still not exactly what you’d call finished yet.

Fortunately the owner can get his POP email.  Unfortunately his spouse uses IMAP.

Fortunately my linux boxes are humming along.  Unfortunately my Windows box froze.

Fortunately the new spam filter is very accurate.  Unfortunately it requires another server, but nobody knows why.

Fortunately I was able to log into the new server.  Unfortunately it’s not sure what domain it’s in.

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Definition of Consultant: a person you pay to look at your watch and tell you what time it is.