A Trip to the Hospital (A Night in Hell)

I was minding my business just before one this morning, starting to fall off into slumber, when my wife announced it was time to go to the hospital.

Of course it was time to go to the hospital: she had been up for hours during which she could have gone.  But one only goes to the hospital after midnight, when one can no longer function.

The only ones doing relatively well are the pets.  Because there’s less scrutiny, they can get into much more trouble.  I am finding plates upside down on the floor that I don’t even remember being out.  No telling what they’re cooking when we’re not looking.

As you’ve read, I’m not doing particularly well, what with the pending root canal, scarcity of reliable pain meds, and that drilling feeling in my gums.

My wife, not to be outdone, has some sort of illness that seemingly no combination of meds can cure and no combination of doctors or facilities can correctly diagnose.

Listening to my wife repeat the chronology of her symptoms ad nauseam, I am starting to gain additional insight into this illness.  Little things like it started over a week ago.  There was a fever for two days but not anymore.  She spit out her pancreas at one point but swallowed it back and that’s no longer an issue.

I hate repetition.

I’ll say it again: I hate repetition.  This made it increasingly agitating when the doctors, nurses, physicians assistants and assorted people walking by all asked the same questions, as if no one had ever told them anything.

One particular nurse walked into our little emergency room tent (well, that’s what they are, except without all the privacy afforded by a real tent) every hour or so and asked the same questions of my wife, then dispensed medication.  I wondered what would happen if she got one of the questions wrong - no meds?

It didn’t appear to be a really busy night in the E/R, with only two exceptions.  Something of incredible importance was going on at the Desk involving Facebook.  It was loud and sustained, albeit unintelligible.  The other was some guy (I think it was a guy) in the tent across the way, who sounded like he didn’t need a doctor: he required an exorcist.  I wonder if they had to clean pea soup off the tent walls.

Well, that was not entirely it.  The next tent over became empty, possibly because the occupant had been taken away for a test (or hadn’t paid her valet parking fees).  In the melee, the sensor for her BEEPING DEVICE came off, causing the BEEPING DEVICE to BEEP every second or so.

Have I mentioned that I hate repetition?

The patient who required the exorcist was making this horrible sound that was somewhere between a deep growl and choking/hacking.  When Nurse Same Question returned, I asked if they had an exorcist on staff.  My wife laughed for the first time that night and winked at me because the nurse completely failed to get it.

Another thing the place failed to get was the constant BEEPING of the BEEPING DEVICE, which continued unabated.

In my supreme effort to remain (almost) sane, I came to realize that this cacophony actually resembled some sort of bizarre music.

BEEP went the BEEPING MACHINE.

GROWL went Satan.

Uhhhhh went my wife.

HACKKKKK went Satan.

So it turns out they kept a pretty good beat:

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

I should have thought to record it.  It would be an instant hit.

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Of course to record it, I would have to had turned on my phone.  Cell phones weren’t allowed to be used in the E/R.  Unless, of course, they belonged to staff, in which case they could stand there for hours, showing off their EyePhones.

I wanted to bring my laptop and modem to keep myself occupied (I have been in the E/R many times and know the routine).  I did manage to get through an entire issue of Vintage Guitar before almost falling asleep.

After many hours, many questions, and much attempted medicine, the pain my wife came in with was worse.  But at least the CAT scan was clear.

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK

BEEP, GROWL, Uhhhhh, HACKKKKK