I have this problem….  well….   I have many problems.  Let me start again.

I have a problem ordering things.

Well, it’s not so much my problem as getting stuck with the results.  If I order a hamburger with no cheese, I’ll get cheese.  If I order a steak sandwich, I’ll get cheese.  If I specify no cheese, I’ll get cheese.  If I email someone with two questions, I’ll only get an answer to one.  It’s nothing I do; I use plain old English but it happens anyway.  Perhaps people are just hard of understanding.   When we go out to eat, my family requests that I sit at a different table so their orders arrive correctly and on time.

Today was pizza day at work, so we ordered pizza.   That was our first mistake.

The driver called an hour later, looking for the building.  My coworker, who ordered the pizza, was not surprised.  He was a little less not surprised when the driver called again ten minutes later because he still could not find the place.

Five minutes later, when the driver called for the third time, my coworker agreed to meet him out front.  He didn’t specify whether or not he was taking the corporate flare gun but my guess is that it was warranted.  Perhaps we need to talk to the people at the airport and hire some of those guys with the flashlights and hearing protectors who guide the planes into the terminal.  I wonder if they work hourly….

Our building is very difficult to find, especially with the five hundred foot smokestack with our initials on it out front.  I can see why we might have to go past flares and flashlights and just go with humongous laser beams that spell our company name in the sky.  They’ll no doubt have to blink at a rate rapid enough to capture attention but not trigger epileptic seizures.

When my coworker finally appeared, I asked whether we’d have to defrost the pizza or not but was pleasantly surprised to discover that the cheese was still melted.  I was not pleasantly surprised to discover that this pie cost what two normal pies cost though.  And just to make the meal complete, they sent a bottle of Pepsi.

I ORDERED COKE.

You simply don’t bring someone Pepsi out of the blue.  It’s ignorant, rude as hell, and not generally done in polite society (kind of like speaking French).  The only time it’s acceptable to bring Pepsi is when somebody orders Pepsi.

Did the relatives of Albert Einstein who operate the restaurant ask if Pepsi was an acceptable substitute?  Of course they didn’t.

“I’m sorry, we ran out of pepperoni so we put iron filings on your pizza instead.”

“No, we’re not doing pizza today.  How were your eggs?”

It’s a shame I wasn’t there to pay the delivery guy.

“Sorry - I don’t have money.  Here’s some mud.  And your tip.”