Philly Drops the Ball Again

Once again I was exposed to Faux News this evening after work.  The sound is muted and the closed captioning is onscreen.  As we all know, I’m not exactly a big sports fan (the same way Dick Cheney wasn’t a Hendrix fan) but what I witnessed horrified me.

The announcer for the Phillies, Harry Kalas, just passed away (condolences to family).  I know it must’ve been pretty serious because I knew who Harry Kalas was and what he did.  When I know someone’s name in sports, it’s probably a very dated reference.

Faux news was apparently worried about not having enough non-news content (what’s the matter - Americans Idle in reruns, guys?) but they latched right on to the Kalas news.  Not five minutes went by without a mention of the dear departed Mr. Kalas.  That was the normal part.

There is going to be a memorial for Harry soon and they were showing the itinerary.  What I got from this is that Harry’s coffin will be at home plate and people will go past it and say goodbye.

I’m still getting over my first Catholic funeral ten years ago, with people going past the open casket and children being forced to kiss the body.  The thought of a casket (open or closed) sitting at home plate is beyond bizarre to me - and trust me, I know bizarre.

I guess the only thing that would make me feel a little bit better about this is hearing from Harry himself.  If I could ask him anything (aside from `what’s death all about?’), it would be if it’s ok that his casket is at home plate with people going past it.

It’s not even so much that there’s a body there… it’s more about the attention or grandness of it all.  Yes, it would be more than silly for my casket to be at home plate, especially as I don’t like sports, but I can’t imagine approving anything like that for after I depart this left-handed shell.  Why don’t they go all the way and hang his naked corpse from a helicopter over the stadium?

but maybe it’s just me….

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The more important story for me is that the Philthydelphia city council has approved a ban on cell phones while driving, so it’s pretty much a done deal.

I’m really straining here, trying to find something nice to say about city council…..

Suffice it to say that there’s never anything nice to say about city council.   Well, how about this:

Philadelphia City Council: the Finest City Council Money Can Buy

That’s about as nice as it gets.  But I do not confine my ire to Philly, no sir.  It gets let loose upon all worthless eater, political lifeforms that do no good and only propose knee-jerk legislation.

I do not live in the vast wasteland called Philthy but I work there.  This means Philly has the right to take even more of my money from my paycheck for city wage tax.  What do I get for my money?  Potholes, police who don’t respond unless you say the word GUN, and a half-wrecked car because some miscreant tried and failed to steal it.

Is there a single city in the US that requires a ban on cell phones?  No.

Why?

Because there is already a ban on cell phones while driving.  It not only covers cell phones, but radios, drinking, alcohol, reading the newspaper, applying makeup, and thousands of other things.  It’s referred to by many names but is generally known as Driving Dangerously.

It is already illegal to drive dangerously.  This superfluous piece of…..   legislation… simply makes it more illegal to drive dangerously with a cell phone.  Doesn’t this strike you as a bit silly?  Or downright stupid?  Does city council have no productive work to do?  Perhaps we can come up with some suggestions for more laws, while they’re not terribly busy:

• Ban left turns on red. Yes, it’s already illegal to make a left turn on red but legislators don’t seem to let facts bother them too much.
• Ban parents from breaking their child’s arm. Yes, child abuse is already illegal, but now they can brag that they `did something’ about the horrible problem of parents breaking their child’s arm.
• Ban car theft. Well, you get the idea…..

This falls into the same category as hate crime.  If you murder someone, you get prosecuted because murder is against the law.  If you murder someone while yelling racial epithets, it is even more against the law.  Talk about putting the fear of the law into people…… whew!

I really don’t make a practice of talking on the phone while driving so this won’t overtly affect me.  The people who do talk on the phone while driving will completely ignore the law, the same way they do most other laws.  Check the stats, folks; over fifty percent of the cars in Philly are uninsured.  I guess city council will have to ban driving without insurance too, right?

Yeah, let’s pass more laws we can’t possibly enforce!

What’s worse would be the effects of trying to enforce the law.  The police would have to stop investigating murder because of all the criminals with cell phones in their cars.  We’d have Cell Phone Checkpoints, where we’d have to prove we have Bluetooth or keep the cell phone wrapped up in duct tape and locked in the trunk (kinda like guns).  There will be a black market for fake Bluetooth devices.  Everyone in the country will have one of those things in their ear (as opposed to every other person).  Nokia won’t be able to sell to Philadelphians without a registration form and proof of Bluetooth.

And every car pulled over will create a two mile backup - and this is in the opposite direction, due to gapers.

Hey Philly: Do you want that on your (poorly-maintained) roads?