Dell Hell, Broken Displays, and Additional Assorted Agita

I should have known where things were headed when my boss caught me as I was walking to my desk.  For some reason no one can fathom, he must really like the way my colon smells, as he tends to spend way too much time up there micromanaging me.

Not even the first email truly clued me in as to how things were going to turn out.  It was a complaint (of course it was a complaint - who emails you to tell you that you’re doing a good job?) about images in his personal email received at work not loading.

The reason images are not loading is that the firewall intercepts dangerous addresses.  I know this.  My crew knows this.  The complainant obviously does not.  The fact that the complainant took the time to email me about this nonsense indicates that he has a problem with time allocation: he is allocating time to something of absolutely no import, when he really should be running his division.  How do you explain spam filtering, HTML email, and computer safety to an idiot?  I really want to help him understand it but I’m not sure I can. Talk about losing precious hours of your life….

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We moved some stuff around in our department recently.  As a result, we had to take things apart, including our precious network monitoring display system.  The display is set up so the entire team can view the state of the network from their desks.  We have four 22″ monitors on an Ergotron quad monitor stand, which allows a computer to display the output from the monitoring software (email me for details if you’re interested).

After the move we put everything back together.  This was our second mistake (moving things around was our first).  Approximately one out of the four monitors decided to display something when we turned the system back on.  After much nerve wracking, hair pulling, and screaming, we decided to transfer the whole system to a newer computer.

Of course a two hour operation went for entire days.  The video cards refused to work together, separately, or with the computer.  By the time we locate a quad video card, we discover that all four of the monitors are broken.  We used them for over a year, gently took them down and put them back up, and not a single one of them works.  I attached them to other computers to check and they produced the same effect (none).  I don’t want to mention the brand of the monitors, but it rhymes with SPECTRE.

Allow me to interrupt the Great Monitor Debacle of 2009 to mention that due to the location of the system, we control it with a bluetooth monitor and keyboard.  One of my beknighted crew somehow managed to misplace the bluetooth dongle but nobody knows who (they smell a bit but have hearts of gold).  Since I am employed by a non-profit, I am always careful to shop for the best price.  With this in mind, I emailed Dell to find out if I could purchase the dongle instead of a new keyboard/mouse/dongle combo.

MONDAY: Emailed Dell parts rep.  Got immediate response! (out of office, won’t be back til mid-week).  Joke with coworkers that it will be cheaper to purchase a new system than try to obtain a part.

THURSDAY:

Morning: Parts rep asks for Service Code.  I am confused, as I sent the part number already - oh well.  Sent Service Code, or at least a bunch of numbers that appeared on the keyboard.

Afternoon: Rep asks for customer number.  It’s the same *$&#ing customer number we’ve used ever since we started purchasing Dells, ten years ago. But I’ll play the game.. I sent the customer number.

FRIDAY:

A response.  A quote!  In fact, it’s a quote for $90 for a Dell bluetooth keyboard/mouse combo.  Several lines down in this email is my original request for a dongle for this system.

I breathed slowly and evenly, going to my Special Place (currently a firing range).  When I returned, I tried to figure out how to phrase the response in a way Parts would understand it.  I would have been within my rights to give up entirely, as my English is apparently very different from their version of the language.

I decided on the direct approach; copying the line I originally typed, hoping Parts could comprehend it.  “I want the dongle, not the entire set.”

To their credit, Parts got right back to me, with this explanation: “You can’t order the dongle.  So I quoted you the combo price instead.”

After my head stopped rotating 360 degrees very quickly, I wondered aloud where Parts had stated that on the quote.  I also wondered (also aloud) why we received a $90 quote for a $67 item.  I knew there was simply no use in posing these questions to Parts, as I can’t speak their version of English (apparently it’s not even Standard Dallas).

The crew reminded me that I said it would be cheaper and easier to order a new system instead of trying to save money by ordering a replacement part.  I never tire of being right all the time but sometimes it’s a real burden.

Returning to the Great Monitor Debacle of 2009, we ordered monitors to replace the non-functional ones that rhyme with SCEPTRE.  We made sure to order decent ones this time.  The Dell web page said they would ship within twenty four hours.  Two weeks later they arrived.

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen three stooges attempting to install monitors on top of a tall metal cabinet.  Learn something from this: when people tell you not to stand on swivel chairs, they’re really not kidding.

We all gathered around the cabinet as I fired up the computer.  The team watched as my jaw hit the floor.  Yes, the new monitors made things look wonderful but that wasn’t why.  I was astounded to discover that one of the monitors wasn’t working (after all the work to put it up there in the first place).

Yes, one of the monitors (that rhymes with DELL) was bad right out of the box.  This is obviously what my wife refers to as my Unreasonable Expectations<tm>.  It is completely out of line to expect that four monitors will come out of the box and work when plugged in.

Hmmm…… maybe my wife is right.

(Nah)

[sigh]  So I do what every tech fears most: contacting the vendor.  I emailed my Dell rep to ask her to set up an exchange and please expedite things.  Rep tells me I have to call 1-800-PISS-OFF to talk to Customer Care; she can’t set this up.

The Customer Care experience was a new one for me.  I gave every possible detail to the agent, including shoe size.  After very politely taking this all in, she told me she would transfer me to a Specialist who would set this up for me.

Specialist reviews the info and sets up the exchange.  I somehow manage to refrain from asking why it takes two Customer Care Experts to make something happen.  The answer would probably make my head hurt anyway. At this point I ask what my wife would probably call an Unreasonable Question<tm>: when might I receive a (hopefully) working monitor.  Specialist assures me it will go out by the end of the week and she will confirm it personally.

Not what I wanted to hear but there seemed little point in arguing.

Much to her credit, I received an email from Specialist, referencing my claim.  I was downright surprised, both because she did what she said she’d do and because the monitor was actually going out within the time promised.

Of course I was sorely mistaken.

Specialist contacted me to say the monitor hadn’t shipped yet and she was looking into it.  She requested it be expedited.  A helpful coworker noted that expediting it to make it ship when originally promised didn’t seem to him like expediting.  Perhaps he has Unrealistic Expectations<tm> too.

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While I’m on the phone (because I like the pain), I’m hearing a different coworker explaining something to someone on his phone and he’s getting loud.  He keeps saying, “If the keypad doesn’t make numbers, press the NUMLOCK key…”  over and over.  Apparently he’s having a difficult time getting this point across.  Perhaps he speaks a different English too.

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Yet another coworker should have known how things were going to turn out by his first call of the day:

Caller: We’re using a projector and the image is weird… like when the projector isn’t pointed at the screen correctly, but it is.

Tech: Ok, well try moving the projector until the image straightens up.

Caller:  Ummm….  I don’t understand.

Everybody knows an idiot.  Our idiots are special.

Tech goes to assist at the Mensa meeting and comes back with this story:  one of the four legs that adjust had a stripped screw, which he fixed temporarily with a toothpick.  Caller was not satisfied with all this technical talk and asked if we would order a new one.

Yes, we will order a new $1200 projector because of a stripped screw causing it to be the tiniest bit more difficult to level.

Have I mentioned that this is a non-profit?  With special workers?

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I wanted to finish my day with some solitary, mindless tasks, so I went to install a few new terminals in our lab.  It went like this:

• had to dig out keyboards and mice with PS/2 connectors
• new keyboards labeled USB-PS/2 should have been labeled “USB-PS/2* Keyboards (* only a PS/2 keyboard if you have a USB to PS/2 adapter).  No PS/2 plug or adapter.
• I found out (the hard way) that our terminals do not like USB to PS/2 mouse adapters
• one `new’ monitor (it’s always the monitors, right?) was missing its video cable
• the range of IP addresses reserved for terminals had somehow become unreserved

I would rate the ensuing screaming as a Class-B Fit at best.  Not one of my better ones.

But this hasn’t been one of my better days.