There’s a Lock for Every Key

My wife is a very nice lady.  We already know she’s a very tolerant lady with a great sense of humor because she married me.  Aside from being nice to me, she’s very nice to her family.

Said family (most of them, anyway) make a pilgrimage South for two weeks each year as a vacation.  We don’t go because, well, who wants to go South, who wants to go South with one’s family (or in-laws), and what about the poor pets?

Another stay at home is the grandmother, who has achieved ninety years, bless her.  My wife usually stays around to keep an eye on her.  This makes quite a number of people (and pets) unhappy for two weeks, hence the following phone conversation:

What?

Hello.

Hello.

I have an answer for this year.  Since they’re going down….

Who is going down where?

Oh, sorry.  My family.  Down South.

When?

September.

Ok.

Since they’re going down, I can stay at my mom’s for ….

NO YOU CAN’T.

But wait….

Wait nothing.  You stated two years ago that `this is the last year I’m doing this.’  You stated last year that `this is the last year I’m doing this.’

But it’s only for a few days.

You said one of your sisters was going to stay.

She is.

Then why are we talking about this?

Well, I don’t feel comfortable because Sister doesn’t drive.

Then what’s the point of her going?

She’s going to watch Grandma.

Without a car?

That’s why I can stay up there three or four days.

Besides, you sister drinks so much she might not notice if anything happened to your grandmother.

That’s why I can stay up there three or four days.

You’re not going for three or four days until I get coverage.

Coverage for what?

My penis.

Very funny.

I’m serious.  If you leave, someone has to do the job.

You can come with me.

Out of the question.  I don’t go to places so remote they’ll never find your body.

We’ll talk about it late - my mom’s on the other line.

Don’t mention coverage to your mother, please.

I won’t.

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My coworkers are looking at my semi-quizzically, although not totally surprised.

It is on the way to run an errand that it occurs to me: anyone who didn’t know me would think all sorts of things.  My coworkers just smile (and check their firearms).  My wife plays right along.

There truly IS a lock for every key.