Vince is following me.  Remember - just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.

You know Vince.. it’s Vince from Sham Wow! That little crackhead fellow who hawks chamois towels on UHF and cable stations.

OK, maybe he’s not a crackhead but he is absolutely the perfect illustration of what a crackhead should look like.  The hair sticks up and in several different directions simultaneously.  He’s skinny, like all good drug addicts; speaks very rapidly, like a meth addict; and looks like he just got up from a nap in the middle of some road somewhere, like any good generic addict.  In the words of my old boss, “What did you comb your hair with today, a grenade?”

Anyway, Vince always manages to show up whenever I’m near a tv.  I don’t even watch much tv but when I’m near one, there’s Vince.  My wife always mentions that she can watch tv all day and night but Vince doesn’t come on unless I’m home and near the tv.  It’s gotten so bad that even my wife’s sister is in on the joke.  When she visits and Vince comes on, she laughs hysterically, totally unprompted.

As if this weren’t bad enough (and this is pretty bad, trust me), Vince just appeared on another commercial, this time for something called Slap Chop; some kind of hand chopper thing.

There is always a bizarre moment involving something Vince says.  This time he’s demonstrating that the device chops nuts.  He says, “And I love my nuts…”

Well, all that aside, I have to tell you that Vince is looking a little better.  My wife and I agree that it looks like he’s cleaning up a bit.. maybe he’s in rehab.  Maybe they let him out on work release.  The commercial people must have sprung for a stylist, as opposed to the aforementioned grenade for his hair.

Of course he still babbles like a meth head but someone obviously thinks this is part of his charm (possibly his mother).

Since this is the first time I have seen this commercial masterpiece, I know that I’ll be seeing it four hundred thousand more times (this week).  I have an idea though….  we can run him through the Slap Chop.  When we’re done, we can clean up with the Sham Wow!