Batten Down the Hatches - it’s Guitar Center Trip Time…

These things never end well, even though they generally start pretty well.

First, let me bring you up to date on New Stuff<tm>.

The best moment had to be the Peavey Xmas Tree Amp.  It’s probably not called that, at least by Peavey, but it was clearly visible across the room because it did a fantastic impersonation of an xmas tree.  There were all sorts of red and green lights blinking and moving in amusing patterns.  Perhaps this is part of Peavey’s new emulation program.  I’d suggest Peavey concentrate on emulating good tone, as opposed to trees, but that’s just me.

Anyway, this amp had strings of LEDs around the knobs that were going nuts, like an xmas tree on acid.  At $99, I think it was priced well for a guitar amp but rather expensive as a tree.

GUITARS

Next my fellow troublemaker (who I’ll call Ignatz) and I discovered the Heavy Metal Wall.  It’s way off in the back, more or less where it should be.  Unfortunately it is very visible, owing to the finishes on some of the guitars.  BC Rich has a guitar out now that’s black with a single humbucker that is highlited in GLARING RED.  I pointed this guitar out, as if it needed pointing out, and mentioned that Ignatz needed one of these (because he didn’t have one yet - perfect logic, no?).

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen your buddy with the `66 Strat play a BC Rich guitar.  Especially this BC Rich guitar.  If I had a half-decent camera in my phone, I would have some incredible blackmail material.  Ignatz was surprised at the playbility of the BC Rich but there was no danger of him purchasing them.   On the other hand, both of us would certainly save a lot of money by buying metallic-themed guitars.

I somehow managed to pry the BC Rich out of his hands and we continued to peruse the myraid metal offerings.  Ibanez has some `interesting’ finishes.  One of them looks like they decided to emulate alligator skin.  Perhaps somebody in Marketing at Ibanez has a suitcase or boots he really adores and wanted a guitar to match - I don’t know.  Ignatz suggested that if the wood had interesting figuring, that would be nice, but the finish was not the place to do this.  I agreed.

I have a thing for blue: it’s my favorite color.  Despite that, I do not have a blue guitar.  There were all sorts of interesting blue guitars at Guitar Center.  Naturally not a single one was left-handed, but I’m used to that.  The most breathtaking was a PRS, which was blue over some incredible curly maple (as it should be).  I have three really good reasons for not playing PRSes:

1. they stopped making them left-handed
2. they’re incredibly expensive
3. they don’t do a thing for me

Blue aside, I have also developed an appreciation for ugly.  And guitars don’t get too much more ugly than Fender’s antigua finish.  Originally offered from `78 to `81, it’s a really nasty variation on sunburst.  Instead of black to yellow, picture Avocado Green fading to Harvest Gold.  I refer to it as Pukeburst.  Pukeburst made a brief return a few years back on some Strats that were made in Japan.  Oddly enough, there’s a new Eric Clapton antigua tribute Strat ($4500) that’s pukeburst.

There weren’t any pukeburst Strats but we located one of the next best things: Daisy Rock.  Daisy Rock is a company that markets to girls (not women).  There’s a lot of pink and sparkly bits, as well as smaller dimensions.  To their credit, they make lefties.  I can’t describe the sight of Ignatz standing there with a single cutaway Daisy Rock with a pink metalflake finish.  He looked like some sort of gay biker on acid.  Or something.  Fortunately for me they didn’t have any lefties because the color is so weird that I almost wanted one.

Another favorite in the Ugly Parade is the plexiglas BC Rich.  They didn’t have any but I’ve seen them.  It’s their standard guitar but with a plexiglas body.  One is tinted hot pink, the other green.  I figured the green one would be a nice, ugly companion for my Pukeburst Strat but I have yet to see a single one in lefty.

I always wanted a Stratacoustic too.  And of course it’s not made in lefty either.  I tried to talk Ignatz into getting one but he insisted it was set up for slide.  After a closer look, I had to agree: the strings were about half an inch off the fretboard.  Yep, those slide players like their action high!

Not to be outdone, Dean has released a similar acoustic in the shape of a Flying V.  Yes, it’s the only acoustic guitar in history with which you cannot sit down.

Lest you think I’m only out to poke fun, we did make it over to the Normal Wall, which had normal guitars (except for the Epiphones).  Ignatz had recently gotten a used Eric Johnson Strat and was going over its finer points with me on the store’s model.  He says the guitar is frighteningly good, which is seemingly impossible for Fender to pull off these days.  Apparently Fender really listened to what Eric said because this guitar is supposed to be NICE.

I’m incredibly picky about neck radius and shape so I was eager to check this one out.  The neck features a compound radius (Warmoth has offered this for a while) that starts out round and gets pretty flat up towards the pickups.  This makes it very comfortable to chord and easier to bend and access at the upper end.  Unfortunately it wasn’t my speed but it was still closer than Fender has gotten in a while.

The pickups, according to Ignatz, are dead on.  He was particularly impressed by the neck pickup, which has balls.  This was an Eric Johnson specification.  The rest of them sound good too.  The finish is sufficiently thin so the guitar sings.  Bravo, Fender!   Now if you can make me a lefty Strat with the Baja Tele neck specs (as well as a lefty Baja Tele while you’re at it), I’d be pretty damn happy.  Of course I’d like them both in pukeburst.

On the way past, we hit Lefty Land.  I applaud the effort but, well…. two Standard Strats, two Squier Strats (with nicer necks than the more expensive ones), one Tele, one Ibanez, and an acoustic or two.

AMPS

I don’t know how we managed to leave the Wall of Metal but eventually we found ourselves by the amps.  There was a Big Deal<tm> over the new Fender Blues Deluxe reissue in tweed.  This is very funny to me, as I have the original one in tweed.  Does this make my original a `vintage’ amp?  Don’t get me wrong, they’re good amps, but a reissue? Ignatz has the DeVille, which has four tens.

We saw some sort of tiny little box that Fender calls an amplifier.  It was really odd looking but it had two serious flaws: no tubes and real imitation woodgrain ends.  Actually I don’t have too much against real imitation woodgrain ends, but the tube thing is a dealbreaker.

As with any trip by anyone to any Guitar Center, there was constant cacophony, courtesy of different Metal Godz-in-Training, all working on their speediest riffs at top volume through transistor amps.  This is not the sort of din that lends itself to being able to hear what the non-shredders are trying to play.  If you want to hear amp subtleties, you’d have better luck finding a Guitar Center employee without a funny haircut or piercing.

EFFECTS n STUFF

We made it over to Effects, right after a few mandatory Epiphone Casino jokes.  I was shocked to find not one but two women working there.  This is a new event.  The one I talked to could hold a conversation, not only in proper english, but about actual effects.  This is a first for most genders in this department.  Make no mistake - I don’t care what works there, provided he, she, or it know their business and have reasonable english skills.  The only woman I can talk to about effects is my wife (bless her) but she has to talk to me.

I kept trying to get Ignatz to play the really odd effects but he wasn’t taking the bait.  There was even a Casino there for his playing pleasure, but he was having none of it.  We watched the Roland Leslie simulator for a few seconds, after which we decided this would either cause epileptic seizures onstage or just drift the player off to La La Land.  Tons of little LEDs blinking around and around… you are getting very sleepy… and around and around.  What was I talking about?

Roland also has a Space Echo simulator with two pedals.  As nice as this might sound, it just wouldn’t be the same because you don’t have to locate, purchase, and install the tape cartridges.

Strangely enough, they do not carry a single three inch wide puke green strap.  Imagine that!

LET ME SAY SOMETHING NICE (for a change)

My wife and I purchased a guitar for my nephew.   I wasn’t there but I was told after the fact (how I apparently make a lot of purchases).  My wife, a sucker for a sales pitch, purchased the extended warranty.  The salesgenie kept winking while he told them that the warranty would cover anything that could happen to it, especially in college where it might get bashed around.

So the kid took it to college.  True to the salesguy’s word, the headstock broke off.  My nephew took the pieces to the Guitar Center where he purchased it and was told it wouldn’t be covered.  Ah, that would be grossly normal for Guitar Center.  So when visiting, he took it to our local Guitar Center, where they weren’t totally positive about the prospects, but vowed to take care of it for him.

My nephew left five messages for the helpful salesmen at both stores.  No response.  My wife left two messages.  No response.  Truly tired of this and not wanting to be part of another Bad Guitar Center Event, I decided to see what I could do.

I located the store manager, a very level guy, and explained the problem.  He quickly located the paper trail and told me they were still waiting for word from the manufacturer as to whether they’d cover the repair.  He suspected they wouldn’t.  And the extended warranty didn’t cover it either.

I attempted to remain level myself and asked what they would suggest.   To make a long story short, he excused himself and came back with the same model guitar to exchange.  It was nice of him to cover the lies of the salesman at the other store.  Nicely done.

Interestingly enough, while waiting for the manager to return, I observed a salesguy really push for an extended warranty with a sale he was making.  He told the customer that it would cover the speakers blowing up.

WHAT DID WE LEARN IN SCHOOL TODAY?

All in all I didn’t see much worth buying but it’s always entertaining to go shopping with Ignatz and do a running routine.  Ignatz suggested video blogging exclusively from Guitar Center but I told him it wouldn’t work because all everybody would hear was the racket from the Metal Crew, even when we were playing.

If you think I’m bad while guitar shopping, you should see me at an adult store…