My Dentist, Dr. Mengele

First, let me start by letting you in on a little secret: dentistry is a racket.  It’s a license to print money.  Dental insurance, on the other hand, is laughable.  At one point I had two dental insurance policies and still wound up paying out-of-pocket in addition.

In spite of my lack of actual dental knowledge, I suspect my old dentist was an incompetent boob.  The reason for my suspicion is that a lot of the work he did is coming apart (although the bill remains firm in my mind).  As a result, I had to find a new dentist.

Actually I had to find a dentist for that reason and for the reason that I haven’t been to one in way too long.  Why?  Not because I’m particularly bothered by dentists… just because I’d simply prefer not to go (to the dentist, the doctor, and many other places).

As the previous dental work fell apart, I had no choice but to find a new dentist.  Dentistry has changed a lot between my last visit and the current set.  When I went to look for a new dentist, I couldn’t find a decent recommendation so I got out my local dental expert, the Yellow Pages, and looked for a local dentist.  The first thing I discovered was that I could not pronounce a single name of the dentists listed.  That was odd.

I don’t have any issues with people not born in my country.  I’d just like to be able to understand my doctors, hence my preference for American practitioners.  My wife made me an appointment with a local practice with my town’s name.  Sure enough, I couldn’t pronounce this doctor’s name either.

My concerns were quickly allayed when I met the doctor, an uncommonly genial Indian fellow.  In fact, his english is the best in the office… some of his coworkers are very difficult to understand.

For once I got a good deal from the directory.  My dentist is very competent and I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend him to anyone.  Well, up until today that is…

After the initial xrays, it was determined that I needed two onlays.  Don’t ask me what an onlay is: my job is to sit in the chair and say uh-huh or eh-eh.  It’s definitely not an inlay; I’m not that vain.

The office wanted to make sure my insurance would cover this so they sent in the required forms.  And I waited.  One week.   Two weeks.   Three weeks.

Six weeks later the insurance company got up off their no doubt bloated bottoms and got around to sending the approval to the dentist.

When I went back for my appointment, it was discovered that I would require a root canal before a temporary filling.  I’ve had one before - it was no big deal.  The dentist said this.  He told me the worst part of root canal was keeping your mouth open for that long.  He was completely correct.

Now let’s not mince words here…. NO ONE likes to go to the dentist.  Some people hate it so much they wait until it’s an emergency before they finally go.  It takes a while but I somehow manage to keep myself in the chair (in spite of the lower half of my body trying to run off in the middle of things).  I knew this visit would be nothing to worry about, as there would be no root canal.

Boy was I mistaken.

The worst part of any visit for me is the needle.  I overcome this for the most part by closing my eyes and pretending to be somewhere else.  Or someone else.  This usually fails miserably because I can feel him wiggling the bugger around, which makes my skin crawl.  Even with my eyes closed.

He told me I might feel a tingle.  Instead I felt a huge shock and lots of pain.  Fortunately for him I let him keep his arm. He asked if I felt a little electricity.  I told him it was closer to a huge shock (and I should know… I have gotten bitten by high voltage a few times and this was worse).  He looked confused.

He went back in, wondering why all of the sudden I was a bit needle-shy this time.  I got another minor shock, which he seemed to deny happening.

We waited for the numbness to set in.  He walked back in five minutes later and asked if my lip felt fat.  I told him no, but my palate was, along with my right nostril (impressive, no?).  He thought that nice but specified that this was not what he had set out to numb.  He figured he’d give me a few more minutes and walked out (probably to see how his stocks were faring).

More amused than concerned, I noticed no additional numbness.  I told him this when he returned.  I believe the stock report was decent, as he was in particularly good humor.  Once again he asked if my lip felt heavy and once again I told him no.

So at this point, he and Mrs. Mengele (I have no idea if she was his wife… it was just funny) were leaning over me, implements ready.  He started the High-Pitched Whirring Thing that generally terrifies people and started doing whatever it is they do with this implement.  This went relatively well, at least in terms of not causing any electrical shocks.  Unfortunately he hit a spot or two that caused some serious pain and I let him know.

He seemed puzzled, as if he were trying to explain to my mouth that since he hit it with the shot, it just plain Shouldn’t Hurt.  My mouth, as it does most of the time, simply laughed at him.  Then it refused to listen to him anymore.  It’s still pretty pissed.

He said he was almost done and asked if he could try again.  Ever the willing patient, I told him to have at it.  He had at it and I had more pain.  Pretty severe pain, so I advised him to stop (he still has his testicles).

Now he was concerned.  Oddly enough, so was I.  He proceeded to explain once again to my mouth that he had put the needle in the right spot so it should be numb correctly.  Since my mouth had stopped listening to him earlier, it continued to refuse to be numb correctly.

He explained to me this time that he used very strong novocaine and put it in the right place so it wasn’t like he could use more.  He tapped a spot and asked if I could feel it, which I couldn’t, so he was satisfied (even if my lip wasn’t numb, like my right nostril).

The Mengeles went back to work and I went back to jumping out of the chair because it hurt.  Finally the good doctor got out his Magic Needle<tm> and tried something else.  I really didn’t like something else but tried to remain seated.

Fortunately this worked and he was able to finish the project.  He said the meds apparently took a lot longer to take effect than normal but he didn’t know why my lip wasn’t numb… perhaps my wiring wasn’t right.  I told him that if so, it wouldn’t be the only thing that wasn’t right.

I got a temporary filling until the onlay thingie arrives.  He said that for the next two weeks, try not to eat anything hard.  When I asked what hard was, he said crackers and nuts.  Oh yeah, and nothing sticky.  No gum.  Apparently the temporary fillings come out really easily.

I’m usually a pretty compliant patient, regardless of what doctor I see.  Unfortunately I am about to turn into a neurotic patient, constantly wondering if I’m allowed to eat this or not eat that, for fear of the temporary filling coming out.  Then I’d have to go back again, which would not be good.

The doctor laughed a bit as he told me the numbness could last up to five hours.  Wow, personable and a good sense of humor.

The cherry on top of this luscious sundae was seeing the folks at the desk.  They informed me that the treatment the doctor recommended would only cost an additional one hundred dollars, as my insurance was maxed out for the year.  Surprise!

Yes, a license to print money.