Crawling Towards Agorophobia…

Last night, while sitting at a dinner table with fourteen semi-shreiking kids, mostly non-shreiking adults, and just plain odd old folks, it occurred to me that I’d be much better off as an agorophobic.

Agorophobes are the unfortunate people who are afraid to leave their homes.  I have a sister-in-law who made it to work every day but required a twenty mule team to get her to go the mall.  I didn’t see too much wrong with that picture, yet they tell me this wasn’t healthy, clinically.

It’s not that I’m afraid to go outside; far from it.  Sometimes I actively campaign to get out with the wife on weekends.  What happens is that I wind up so disappointed with the results of attempting to go out that it’s rarely worth it.  One of my problems is that I don’t learn too quickly sometimes.  I don’t remember what happened the last time I left the house, so I’m doomed to repeat it.  I’d ask my wife to remind me but she retains about as well as me.

So I figure I need a name for this condition.  I asked some medical people I know, who came up with exactly nothing.  Medical people have one of two reactions when they see me coming.  They either run in the opposite direction because I’m going to ask some completely bizarre question or think I should be seen professionally.  Neither reaction is particularly helpful.  In fact, I should probably stop asking questions of medical people too, but as I said, I don’t learn too quickly sometimes.

Let’s time warp back to our English classes [stop groaning].  Agorophobia is comprised of two parts: -phobia, meaning fear, and agoro-, meaning word that comes in front of phobia.  Let’s try another [I told you to stop groaning].  Xenophobia: -phobia, meaning fear, and xeno-: meaning foreigner.  Here we have a problem: linguists (or perhaps just the politically correct ones) are saying that someone is afraid of foreigners when this isn’t totally accurate.

One can absolutely be afraid of something, like heights (me!), enclosed spaces, or even foreigners.  But one can also hate things without being afraid of them.  Yes, I hate heights, but that’s because I’m terrified of them.  I am not, however, terrified of the Stupid.  I simply hate them.

So, with this newfound knowledge, we are going yo go ahead and try to make some sense out of this linguistically.  But first, a word about the Stupid.

The Stupid are one of the few remaining groups it is not politically incorrect to pick on.  Not that political correctness would stop me, but there we are.  At least I can have a go at the Stupid without four hundred thousand whiny bastards complaining that it’s not fair and making all sorts of other accusations in their accusatory tones.

The reason my trips outside the house are frought with unhappiness is the Stupid.  They’re everywhere.  The first place you usually see them is in cars.  They don’t have to, but most often they have cell phones attached to their ears.  I’ve seen pedestrians exit a store and immediately make a cell call, almost as if they were finally allowed to have a cigarette to quell the addiction.

Most importantly the Supid are behind the counter at all retail establishments.  Every single one of them.  Yes, occasionally a non-Stupid can be found working retail but it’s only because they slipped by Human Resources and their attempt to have their staff be one hundred percent Stupid.  Perhaps sometime in the future, the non-Stupid will organize, put together a political action committee, and attempt to have a quota system in place by which every business is required to hire a certain percentage of the non-Stupid.

You don’t have to go to great lengths to spot the Stupid.  Merely working retail is usually a giveaway but if that doesn’t indicate Stupidity within five seconds, there are a few other subtle clues:

• they’re on the departmental phone
• they’re on their own cell phone
• they’re in an animated discussion with another Stupid about whether Batman could kick Superman’s ass any day of the week
• they’re nowhere to be found because they’re over in TV’s watching Americans Idle
• all questions are answered by a very confused mouth that would look at home with a hook in it
• store motto: There is no such thing as a correct answer!

The Stupid are not limited to retail, no sir.  Ever call your local government?  Ever been to the Department of Motor Vehicles?  Ever deal with a union?  Ever fight City Hall?  How about the meter maids?  Have you been to college (where you have to pay a fee and apply to graduate)?   Discuss reality shows with total strangers?  Get hit in the head by Flying Beer from Above at a sporting event?  Call for software support?  You’ve come in direct contact with the Stupid.

I feel your pain.

So we’ve established that I am not afraid of the stupid; I just hate them.  Now it’s time to find the proper word for this.  We’ve become familiar with -phobia but that’s about it.  What’s the letter grouping for hate?  Nobody seems to be able to tell me.  This might also mean that people are afraid to tell me or have run when they saw me coming to ask (leftyphobia).

Reaching around in the dark a bit, I came up with Mal.  It’s not totally accurate but it’ll work in a pinch.   So if you are afraid of foreigners, you’re xenophobic.  If you just plain hate them, you’re maloxenic (the politically correct are warming up their email clients as I type).  But what’s the correct medical-sounding term for the Stupid?  Acephalic?  Hydrocephalic? Vacu-cranial?

Since I’m not clinical (and no one is brave enough to answer my questions), I’m going to go with MALOSTUPIDA: hatred of the stupid.

So I’m not agorophobic, I’m malostupidic!

Since it’s not a recognized disorder, no one will be recommending medication (or therapy) for it.  In fact, it’s not a disorder at all.  I think of it as gross normalcy.  The ranks of the malostupidic are growing exponentially, perhaps as people attempt to leave their homes and interact with others.

Imagine having a condition so widespread that it doesn’t receive any attention at all?

Malostupida.   Use it today.   Spread it around.

I tried to put together a Misanthropy Club but I couldn’t get anybody to attend the meetings.