It used to be that I got cut off in my car by just another idiot behind the wheel.  It’s 2008 - a new day, a new century, with new ways to be a driving hazard.   Since I am one of the few left who manage to pay attention while I drive, I have accumulated a lot of evidence on idiots behind the wheel.  Lately just about all of it is caused by people with a cell phone in one hand and who knows what in the other.

Instead of a generic set of expletives questioning the driver’s ancestry, I am now left wondering if almost hitting me has interrupted their important phone conversation.   The answer, of course, is no.  Some of them don’t even realize they almost crashed into me.  Or almost killed that lady on the sidewalk with the baby stroller.  Some of them are apparently not aware they’re in a car.  Their phone call is that important.

I’m not new to cell phones - I’ve had one ever since they became affordable.  And by affordable, I mean way back in the Beam Me Up, Scotty, bag phone days.  When you never actually used the phone but said that if you ever had to, it would be worth it.  Now that I’ve established my great-grandfatherly heritage, back when cell phones were tin cans connected by string, I can fast-forward you to this very moment, where cell providers are practically begging you to take as many minutes as you like, plus you can roll them over.  And if you’re lucky, you can roll the car over too.

“But it’s ok, Officer…. I was using my rollover minutes.”

What possesses a person to make a call?  Better yet, what possesses a person to attempt driving while making a call?  Do they simply decide to make a phone call then get in the car for fun?  Does driving stimulate their talkative side?  Do they think that the phone has an autopilot (instead of autodial) feature? Screaming “Left - LEFT!!” at the steering wheel is going to fail one-hundred percent of the time, I assure you.

I’ve often wondered what people have to talk about on these drives.   Or where they’re going on these calls. Did they just have an epiphany and need to call their broker?  Their work?  Their priest?  Their sister in Houston, where it’s very nice generally, but a bit humid in spots… and speaking of spots, have you seen her dog?  Where was I?  What was that bump?  No I don’t know either.  It happens when I drive.  I need to take the car to the shop and have it checked out [sound of screaming and screeching in background].  Yes, and the car screeches too.  They just aren’t building them like they used to, you know.  Speaking of which, I just saw this darling little cell phone….. it’s so small you can stick it up your nose so you don’t have to be bothered holding it.  Then you can use your hands for something more productive in the car: gesticulating while you talk.

Is who did what on which soap opera really going to spoil until you get home to use the landline?  Let’s face it, you can miss six months of the same soap opera and rejoin right where you left off (except that a leading character or two has been swapped out with another actress).   What could possible be so important that you must sit in the driver’s seat, behind the wheel, vehicle in motion, aimed rather than steered, occasionally on the sidewalk (or porch), and yack like some old yenta who’s had way too much coffee this morning?

Maybe you’re an on-the-way-up kinda guy.  Right car, right suit, right phone.  You have to make deals.  Deals while you drive.  You’re impotent….errr… important.  You’re obviously overcompensating for way too little in the middle and the only way you can think to do it is with an expensive car and a phone super glued to your ear (even if nobody’s on the other end….).  It’s looks that are important.

When the bluetooth earpieces started to appear, it started to look like Star Trek everywhere I went.  Three to beam up, Uhura.  Now every idiot who can’t spell blue or tooth has one of these little plastic monstrosities in his ear.  Do you suppose they’ll need surgery to have them removed?  Do they come off at all?  Will you need to pry it from their cold, dead ear?  Will they wear a second one in case the first breaks?  Will Mr Spock return to daytime television?  Will he whack Bones with a two by four and say, “Dammit, Jim; I’m a coffee table, not some hysterical quack”?   Will Scotty run away with Checkov and live happily ever after?  Will Sulu please just go back into the closet?  Will Kirk find some strangely hot alien babe with whom to swap bodily fluids and tales of good deals on planes and hotel rooms?  Will Shatner and Nimoy ever admit they’re Jewish?

So today I’m coming home from work.  It’s one of those days that I have to be extra cautious.  Maybe it’s a full moon - people are weird.  Maybe everybody is getting free minutes today.  Whatever it is, it’s causing people to drive much worse than normal.  Perhaps they searching the car floor for their bluetooth earpieces instead of looking out the windshield - I don’t know.  But they’re coming at me from all directions.  Since I need to watch every else’s driving, I’m extra cautious.  At a stop sign, I signalled the nice lady with the baby carriage to cross in front of my car - I’d wait.  I signalled her again.  Still nothing.

As I pulled away from the intersection, I saw her texting on her cell phone.  Damn these people…. they’re even dangerous when they’re pushing a stroller!  Nothing left to do but have Big Brother put some new legislation into effect.  No texting while pushing strollers, walking, riding a motorcycle, arc welding, or driving a passenger train.