My heart goes out to the people who have experienced loss in the wake of Ike.

When I first heard where it was headed, alarm bells were going off.

"Oh noooooo.   Southpaw Guitars is in Houston.  I hope Jim and all of those wonderful left-handed guitars will be alright!!! "

Southpaw Guitars is one of about two stores in the country that is devoted to people who play guitar the proper way (left-handed).  The other ninety percent of you are backwards - deal with it.  They will order you a righty but it will cost you extra and you’ll have to wait a while for it.  [insert evil laughter]

When I mentioned Southpaw to some online guitar buddies, they sent me to the obvious place .  It was so obvious I never would have thought of it.  Fortunately I like to associate with smart people who can tell me these things.

Which brings me to today’s topic:  SAVE THE LEFT-HANDED GUITARS!!!

I’m going to call the president immediately (or better yet, the vice-president) and ask for a government bailout of this fine institution.  After all, this is one of only two businesses like it in the entire country.  If this goes, the rest will go too.  It is wise for the government to step in and prevent this, like they did with AIG.  Then they could stand proudly, smiling in total denial, and continue to repeat that things are looking ok.

Unlike your standard Good-Old-Boy-Bailout that’s full of pork, I will structure this to waste not one cent of the taxpayers’ money, like this:

• I will personally oversee, monitor, and guarantee that the plan comes in on-time and under budget, lest we need further rescue by the FGIC (Federal Guitar IC)
• No hookers will be expensed - no way, no how.  We won’t even have them designated Liaison for Southern Work and written off.   I’m nothing if not honest.
• There will be no cost to the program for my time - I’m doing it for my country.
• I will not cause extra fuel cost by insisting on being flown to Houston.  I will monitor remotely, also saving food and miscellaneous travel expenses (and courtesans that aren’t going to be expensed)
• One C-130 sized plane from a Houston-area military base can be used (because we can’t afford the per bag charges if we go commercial)
• Said military base can send a small fleet of trucks to the location of the store and assist in the cleanup efforts.  The second team will cart the guitars back to the base.  This way we’re using government labor and not tying up taxpayers.  To save time and money, they can leave the cheap stuff behind.  And any drums they find.
• The C-130 will airlift the poor sodden guitars to Willow Grove Naval Air Station.  No wasting extra fuel or tying up civilian runways.
• I will, at my own expense , drive to the base, load the guitars into my vehicle, and drive them to a nearby safe house (mine).  I will pay for fuel and tolls both ways.  I aim to show that I am not wasting a single penny of taxpayer money on myself: my concern is only for the guitars.
• I will rehabilitate, love, and cherish each guitar, giving them all the individual attention they so richly deserve.  I will even provide, at my expense, any therapy required for post-traumatic stress disorder caused by the terrible ordeal of Ike.

So you see, Dick, this is why I….. no, why the industry requires this bailout.  You cannot let this fail.  If this goes, it’s over for the left-handed guitarists.  We’re a pretty big voting block too (although the machines are right-handed).