There is a tremendous disconnect between what I type and what people read.  I’ve only recently started to realize this.  I always blamed it on the Frank Zappa-ism, “People are stupid”, but it turns out there are many finer points to the equation.

By no means am I stating that people aren’t stupid - heaven forbid. I know some people who make me thankful that breathing is covered by the autonomous nervous system.  If they had to remember to breathe, they’d be long dead.

I am told I write decently, have a good vocabulary, and speak clearly (or so said my second grade teacher anyway).  It’s just that when I write something or send emails, the answer I get has absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked.  Let’s take a simulated real-life situation….

blogger: Ha ha… Hillary Clinton sews socks that smell!  She won’t touch Bill with his own ten foot pole.

No, really, I’m just kidding.  I have no idea what Hillary does in her spare time.

commenter: how DARE you say that about Hillary.

commenter #2 :  You know, it’s possible that Bill was partially responsible.  You shouldn’t say such things.

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I’m not blaming anybody or calling them illiterate.  I’m just really curious about why people don’t seem to read what I typed.  If I omitted the second line, I’d say they possibly had a point.  But it’s right there.  Or at least I see it right there.

Here’s another recent conversation:

me: I’d like that guitar in blue.

salesman: Ok.

me: The problem is that when I try to order the deluxe version, it doesn’t come in blue.

salesman: Hmmm.  Yes, the cheap version comes in blue.

me: Yes, it was advertised as coming in blue.  Why can’t I get the deluxe version in blue?

salesman: Only the cheap version comes in blue.

This is starting to feel like a bad Spinal Tap outtake.  But it gets better (or worse, depending…)

me: It’s the same guitar.

salesman: Only the cheap version comes in blue.

and so on….

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If I send out a work email like so:

We’re shutting down the file server at 5:00 for maintenance.

I will receive one or more of the following responses:

• Will there be email?
• Will I be able to access my files after 5:00?
• Can I make a phone call now?

And, precisely at 5:03:

• HEY - WHY CAN’T I GET TO MY EXCEL FILES?
• WHAT email?

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You grammar experts will notice that I have a subject (We’re), an object (the file server) , a nasal descriptive (for maintenance) and the third person fricative (at 5:00).  The sentence structure leaves very little room for guessing — unless you are the one reading it.

If you have any guesses as to what’s going wrong, please leave me a comment.

Meanwhile, I have to go.  I’m giving a lecture series on brain surgery and I want to make sure I’ve typed out all my notes correctly.