it’s ok, we’re just moving a few desks…

My company, previously and hitherto referred to as the Twilight Zone<tm>, is not a normal place to work.  Or visit.  Or drive past in a hurry, pretending you don’t notice it.  As a not normal place, it tends to attract not normal employees (as if I wasn’t enough by myself).

Among the weirdities is the moving.  The desks have some urgent need to be moved around on a quarterly basis (if not more often).  No one yet has been able to explain exactly why this is necessary and I think people just stopped asking.  Being the intrepid MIS geek that I am, I could not let this rest undisturbed.

After about ten years, even I stopped asking.  My only theory is that the company is largely female, and as such, likes to rearrange the furniture for a `new look’ every now and then.  Mind you, I’m not stupid enough to say that one out loud.  But how many times has a wife demanded that the sofa be moved, then back, then over to the left, and oh, never mind, just put it anywhere…?

This time is different, I swear.

Ok, she had a point (this time).  They just leased additional floor space and renovated it.  I suppose they were so excited that they decided they needed to move a few employees into the space, for some reason.  First I was told a few.  Then fifty.  Then ninety-two.  Then no more than seventy-four total.  They were set to move them in April.  April 2007.  Then July 2007.  Then September 2007.  After a dose of reality it became March 2008.  Then May.  And here we are in September 2008, do or die.

I wasn’t too involved in planning, aside from networking.  I asked my boss if they were putting in extra drops.  Nope - ninety-six over three moves.  No room for more anyway.

WHAT?  Have we learned nothing from our cramped original space?  Where we had to call contractors to drop in new lines every time there was a new hire?   Where `just four’ became eight?  Where they `saved money’ by using electricians to install computer cabling?  Yup.

My department had to be involved with the move because we could not possibly expect our coworkers to physically unplug their keyboard and mouse and put it in a box.  Heaven forbid.  They’re old and stupid, or in most cases just plain stupid, and couldn’t even perform this minor miracle with a video how-to.  We spent the second half of yesterday pulling cables.

The Facilities person was coordinating things.  After all the moves, he was a seasoned veteran and all was going to march in lock-step, according to plans.  (Yeah, right.)    He told us the movers were coming at eight and we should show up at ten.

At ten we walked in, looked around, and wondered if we showed up on the wrong Saturday.  There were three desks set up and not so much as a single mover to be found.  For a move of fifty desks.  Two hours after the start of the move.

Coordinator was shaking his head.  The movers hadn’t exactly abandoned the job; they were simply On Break.  (this is a literary device called foreshadowing.. keep it in the back of your mind).

There we were, ten in the morning, expecting to get to work, and there was simply not a thing we could do.  It looked like an hour or three until there were enough desks and computers to get started.  We have families.  With dogs and everything.  So we went off to get some other long-needed maintenance performed.

Hours later enough desks magically appeared to start wiring.  This is an activity that was doomed long before it started.  You see, no matter what we did, we were screwed.  Assuming we somehow managed to get everything set up, Monday morning will become the Morning from Hell.  At three minutes after eight, the phones will ring off the hook.  Fifty people calling at the same time, with roughly the same complaint: “My computer is in the wrong spot.  It needs to be moved.  Waaaah.  Waaaaah!!!!”

I gave the troops specific instructions.  The first person to call gets hit.  With a refrigerator.  And their head goes on a rack outside the office, to serve as a warning to all the other people who might complain.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Since I was told there were going to be no more than ninety-six desks eventually, I ordered power, network cabling, and installed enough switches for everything.  Keep in mind that this phase of the move was fifty desks.

Within an hour, it became apparent that we weren’t going to have enough of anything except cables.  And I ordered extra everything just in case.  Apparently somebody failed to give me correct information.

It was also apparent that we were working very quickly, as we had to keep stopping because the movers were On Break.  But don’t let me give you the wrong impression.  They weren’t always On Break.  When they got done, they went To Lunch.  If that wasn’t enough to frighten people who were considering joining a union, I don’t know what will be.

There suddenly appeared way more desks than the amount of networking available.  Where was that extra switch I ordered?  At the Very Large Mail Order Place.  Why was it at the Very Large Mail Order Place?  Because we had an outstanding balance.  How did I know we had an outstanding balance?  I didn’t - my coworker told me.  How did my coworker know?  Because after I put the order in, the rep called him to let him know about the balance.

Why did we have a balance?  We didn’t pay a bill.  No, wait… we didn’t pay a bill in full.   Why didn’t we pay a bill in full?  Because they charged us tax and we didn’t pay the tax amount.  Why did they charge us tax?  I dunno, we sent them our info two or three times already.

So we have no switch.  The vendor has lots of tax info, though.

A coworker is not happy.  Actually he’s more than not happy.  He’s downright agitated and unpleasant, which is a slight change from his normal bearing.  He’s missing his Recreational Event; which has something to do with extremely drunk people racing soapboaxes down a street that would make citizens of San Francisco jealous.  It may be closer to plummeting down a street, but let’s not quibble about technicalities, ok?   This is different from when extremely drunk people dress up like spray-painted ostriches and stumble down city streets with banjos.  Totally different.

Of course this additional unhappiness may not be completely the fault of the drunk people who planned this little excursion to Hades.  It may also have something to do with his wife, who just became pregnant.  They were both tremendously excited.  Shortly thereafter they were both doubly tremendously excited, as the payload had doubled.  Yes, twins.

Things started to slow down.  It slowed down so much that we thought the movers went To Dinner.  It turned out they had done.  Shortly thereafter, we were done.  And a good thing, too.  Boss Colon was still there.  Every time we tried to walk to our cars, Boss Colon would find one more thing that had to be connected or moved a half-inch.

We finally escaped, but not without reminding every one about what to do to the first person who complains about their computer on Monday.  It may be the first Monday in history that everybody is actually excited about.  Even the chronically late will be coming in early…

Lessons learned:

• show up 48 hours after start time
• order four times what you need
• plan on the job taking twice the time it should
• order good pizza a day early+have it delivered
• purchase a clipboard, hard hat, and comfortable chair
• learn how to go On Break