the TSA’s war on boobs

I seem to be having rather a good time at the expense of the TSA lately.  In my defense I have to say that I’m not making this stuff up.  The TSA is just doing me the favor of being a particularly good target in the past few weeks.

The latest brouhaha (boobhaha?) took place at the Oakland, CA airport, where a lady set off the metal detector.  More accurately, her underwire bra set off the metal detector.  I don’t want you racing ahead of me, thinking that somehow this lady’s mammalian protuberances were made of metal or anything like that…

After the buzzer goes off, one of the TSA’s best and brightest starts to pat our hero down in a manner suggesting perhaps an interesting date, but not as long as it’s with a total stranger in an airport.  Our hero protests and is told No Patdown, No Fly.

Thinking quickly, the lady removes her bra and goes through the gate with nary a peep.

In spite of this, she was allowed to fly :)

* Perhaps it’s not a War on Boobs so much as a war on bras.   In that case, I may actually stop pointing out when the TSA does silly things.  All is forgiven, folks!

* Are women going to have to go to high-tech materials for underwires from now on?  More importantly, will carbon fiber or nanotubes set off airport alarms?  Fiberglas?  ABS plastic?   Can I get a second job helping out with the research?

* Ok,  I have to admit that sometimes bras are actually necessary (stop hooting, guys).  They’re very necessary where I work and I wish some of my coworkers would realize this.  Especially the ones who are generally hanging out of their clothes.  It’s gotta be ugly if I am advocating covering the stuff up.

* My wife set off this alarm about eight years ago.  She’s a lot more understanding than I.  In fact, the only person who was really embarrassed was the poor lady who had to pat her down.  My wife had to tell her it was ok - she understood.   And I stood there, watching my wife ask some uniformed stranger in an airport to pat her down (again suggesting an interesting date).

* In spite of my appearance, I sailed through the detectors and `random’ spot-checks.  My special secret only revealed itself to me later… I wore sneakers, which kept me from having to take my shoes off.  I couldn’t imagine why all those people were lined up to take their footwear off and put it in tubs.

* You won’t get on a plane if you refuse to show identification.  If, however, you claim you forgot it, all will be ok.  Women need to learn to work this angle.  Instead of refusing to take their bras off, they should just claim they forgot to wear their bra and then they can fly.  (never mind how the alarm went off - stay with me)

* There was a recent news story about a similar happenstance, only the item that so greatly offended the detector gods was a nipple ring.  Since I’m all about equality, it occurs to me that men are going to get snagged because of possible penile piercings.   (Ouch.. it hurts to think about it)

* It leaves us all to wonder what other kinds of items will be turning up at the old metal detector in the near future.  I understand Rupert Murdoch has posted an entire detail of reporters at every gate.  Penis pumps, the old metal plate in the knee, the old metal plate in the head, subterranean bondage gear, scuba gear, tongue piercings, ben-wa balls, and who knows what else.

But feel free to suggest some things I might have missed.  Fire away in the comments!