Ok, I’ll admit it. They say that the first step is to admit it.

My dog, Marshall, is powerless over the effects of cat food.

There, I said it. I feel a little better now.

We discovered this quite by accident. Ren (the cat, aka Satan) gets fed in the kitchen, behind louvred doors. Marshall’s food is in the living room. Marshall watches as I put the food in his bowl, checks the bowl to see if there’s anything interesting, then goes to sit outside of the louvred doors to wait for the cat.

I don’t understand cats. I’m not sure anyone does (not even Crazy Cat Ladies). For whatever reason, Ren eats some of his food and walks away. I don’t know whether it’s that he doesn’t like the food, he’s full, he wants to be a total bastard, or he just wants to save some for his sibling. He busts open the doors, at which point Marshall virtually leaps over him to get at the cat food. The bowl is scrubbed clean.

Sometimes we feed Ren while Marshall’s outside. When he comes back in, he bursts past us, leaps over anything else in the way, and heads directly for the cat food. He simply cannot be deterred. Sometimes I think he tells us he has to go outside so he can come back in and have another shot at the cat food.

In addition to his singlemindedness, Marshall has tremendous retention. If Ren hasn’t emerged from the kitchen in hours, Marshall remembers. As soon as that door opens, BOOM - he’s off. Unfortunately his retention is way beyond that of his people, leading them to admit that their dog is smarter than they are. If we throw something in the bedroom trash can at night, you can hear him `inspecting’ the can in the middle of the night or morning.

This morning I physically removed Marshall from the cat bowl. If you just yell at him, he simply eats faster. The second I turned around, he lunged once again for the golden cat food. I got in his way. You can almost smell him trying to think of a way to become invisible or will the food bowl over toward him.

So I’m asking you if you know of any twelve step programs for cocker spaniels. This isn’t his only issue either… he’s got some nasty separation anxiety. Time for the puppy prozac I guess.

Since we’re in the dog days of summer (I’m sorry, really), it’s likely to be over ninety degrees with almost as much humidity. Marshall’s new love is cold water. I didn’t come up with this; there’s no way I could. It’s my wife’s fault, I swear. After I drained some bottles of water, she filled them up with tap water and gives it to the pets. Marshall loves this. When I come out of the fridge with a bottle of water, he gets all excited and runs over to his water bowl. He never stops to ask whether it’s mine or his - he just wags his stub. If he gets there while I’m pouring, he doesn’t wait til I’m done - he sticks his head right into the bowl. This dog loves water. And with ears like mud flaps, they’re always drinking too.

Yes, this dog loves water. So much so that my wife has to always remember to put down the toilet lid, lest Marshall go swimming. Many’s the time when we’ll find a soggy spaniel laying his head or soaked paws on us and realize how he came to be wet. Or we’ll hear that noise coming from the bathroom.

“Honey, did you close the toilet lid?”