Over at usrbingeek’s musings, there’s a blog about things not to say in a job interview. It’s pretty darn accurate. Since we all need serious advice, it’s good to have those posts (and his real-life experiences). Since I am the little guy with the horns that stands on your shoulder and whispers things in your ear, I have a few more suggestions as to what not to say to a prospective employer:

1. Got any bathing suit pictures of your wife? Want to buy some?

2. What is the corporate policy on napping?

3. Can you get fired here for having sex in the workplace?

4. Does eight o’clock really mean eight o’clock?

5. How soon can I take vacation time?

6. Wow - is that your daughter? Hubba hubba!

7. If my ex-wife ever catches me working, she’ll take half my check for the kids.

8. You don’t drug-test, do you? (by the same token, do not offer to pee in anything that isn’t a urinal)

9. Can I bring my pet tarantula to work?

10. How many times can you be late before you’re fired?

11. Just between us guys, that’s a really bad rug.

12. Nice gazongas on your secretary… sir.

13. Sorry I’m late. I got one hell of a hangover….

14. They fired me, but you don’t want to hear all about the trial…

15. Yes, I’ve held three jobs this year: I’m just looking for the right one.

16. Yeah, don’t call my parents for a personal reference…

17. I eat well… my mom still packs my lunch. Every morning.

18. Is it true that Thursdays are Underwear Optional?

19. No coffee, thanks. Three out of the last seven therapists recommended against it.

20. Would you sign this for my parole officer please?

Now here’s a true story.

I saw an ad for a tech in the paper. It was short on details. It was short on actual letters. It asked for salary requirements.

I sent a packet. I had an interview. I heard nothing.

I sent a courtesy email to the interviewer, thanking him for his time.

He called me back in and gave me the job if I wanted it. Years later he told me what really happened… he was flooded with resumes and interviews. My email jogged his memory, plus my salary requirement was right at the upper limit (and everybody else wanted more). What clinched it for me was that I signed the email with my name and `Geekus Maximus’ underneath. He liked it, I got hired, and now I’m doing his job.

Mind you, that doesn’t mean I haven’t used some (or all) of the above lines during my tenure.