Yeah, yeah, I’m late…. so what?
I was born early but that was probably the last time it has happened since.

MLK Day is always a very special day at work.
This is because I work at a very special place.
Very special.

You know that old joke about hiring the handicapped?
We insist on it.
In order to work with us, you have to take an IQ test and *flunk*.

You can always find us if you look for the life-sized cardboard cutout of Rod Serling by the front door. Yes, I work in the Twilight Zone. When you come through the door, the Twilight Zone theme music plays. It would be eerie if it weren’t so funny. We like to say that where we work, gravity isn’t so much a law as a suggestion.

Dr. King’s celebration has turned into a circus worldwide. I suspect he wouldn’t be impressed, should he find himself suddenly alive. Although I have to admit that I would certainly be impressed if Dr. King found himself suddenly alive.

Fans of Dr. King say that his birthday shouldn’t be a day off - it should be a day ON. A day of service. Cynical, sour, and jaded as I am, I’d still have to agree (provided it didn’t involve ME). The Twilight Zone also agrees. It’s just that they have their own special way of going about it.

When I was first hired, I got all caught up in the MLK Day fury, wanting to participate.
(stop laughing at me this instant)

I asked my new coworkers what we did to commemmorate the good Doctor’s works.

What do we do to commemmorate the good Doctor’s works?

“Umm,” they said between snickers, “you really don’t want to get involved with this.”

I told them I thought it was for a good cause.
They told me I really don’t want to get involved with this.
I said I’d take my chances.

I’ll take my chances. How do we celebrate?

You see that strange little man with the flag? He leads the parade.

There’s a parade?

Yes, everyone lines up behind him. There are people marching, cars, banners, and everyone gets a t-shirt.

A t-shirt.

Yes, a t-shirt. With Dr. King’s likeness and the date.

Ok, but what do we actually do?

You march. In the parade. But that’s not all.

Ok, what else?

You march across the street to the park. You know the park across the street?

Hmmmmm…. park… park…park… are you talking about the jungle and crack park across the street?

The very park. We clean it every year.

Hang on a second…. do you mean to tell me that we celebrate Dr. King’s legacy by cleaning the crack park, then next year we celebrate by cleaning the crack park again?

We never thought about it that way, but yes, that’s it.

I’m not exactly a historian, but didn’t Dr. King promote service and self-sufficiency?

We suppose so, yes.

Then how are we helping to end the problem by cleaning up after the crack addicts, then coming back the next year to clean up after them again? What have they learned?

[laughing] Uh, very little.

I can’t speak for the departed with one-hundred percent accuracy, but Dr. King did not teach people to enable crack addicts, did he?

[African American coworkers] No, he really didn’t. [… walking away]

Hey, where are you going?

To the King Day parade. It’s a day of service. See - we got t-shirts!

——————————————————————————————-

No response was sufficient.

So I’m sitting at my desk, still in shock, when my wife calls. She wants to know what MLK Day looks like in the Twilight Zone. I explain that it’s a real circus, complete with parade.

Almost on cue, I hear thunder. Before I could ask if this was Dr. King’s comment on our celebration, it gets louder and closer. At this point we’re looking around, waiting for the building to collapse. This is different from the normal waiting for the building to collapse in that there’s horrible thunder.

I should mention that I work in what is a very old factory/warehouse. At some point, presumably after a lot of alcohol was consumed, someone wondered what would happen if you moved an entire office full of people into a very old factory/warehouse and called it an office. And here we are.

Except that the factory/warehouse has not exactly been maintained with the greatest of care. For example, we were somewhat concerned by the tapping on the drop ceiling tiles, especially as it grew louder. This meant that the pieces of roof that fell on the tiles were getting bigger. This is not to be confused with the pitter patter of little feet on ceiling tiles, which I’ll only refer to as the Great Rodentia Exposition of 2004.

Ever the concerned parties, the building management sprung immediately into inaction. A week or so later, they sent a crack team (so-named because they were all on crack) in to survey the problem and provide a remedy. After careful consideration (and several beers), they came up with a plan. They must have scoured the area forever to come up with this. A net.

A net?

Yes, they somehow located a mesh net and put it up over the ceiling tiles.
You may be saying to yourself that this is sheer idiocy.
You are right.

But it was also sheer genius. It cost nothing and stopped the small chunks of roof from hitting the ceiling tiles. This had the desired effect of stopping the complaining, as we didn’t hear the rocks hitting the tiles. When we discovered what they were doing, we wondered aloud what would happen when the larger ceiling boulders began falling. Mesh wasn’t likely to restrain pieces of building for too long, if at all.

Mind you, these are the same people who, in response to the volume of leaks that sprung up (or down?) every time it rained, brought us large sheets of plastic wrap. We were very afraid at first, because we thought they were going to suggest that we wrap ourselves in plastic so we wouldn’t get wet. No, these were Smart People. They wanted us to use the plastic to protect our desks. And the servers.

One bright light stopped the entire process in mid-leak to make sure he understood what they were suggesting and to offer his two cents. It went thusly:

It’s raining outside, which means it’s leaking like mad in here.

Yes. Here, have some plastic wrap for your desk. Wait.. take the big roll and cover the servers.

It’s pouring and your solution is to ask me to put plastic wrap over the servers?

Yes.

Why don’t you fix the effing roof instead of trying to put buckets under leaks and plastic over servers?

This fellow had unfortunate timing, as he uttered the above just as the CEO was walking by (with his own personal plastic wrap). Said CEO was rather unhappy and complained vehemently to the bright light’s boss, mentioning that this fellow was not a team player and should be made aware of this if he wished to remain in the employ of the Twilight Zone.

So where was I?

Oh yeah, thunder…..
The thunder grew louder and a bit more distinct. It turned out not to be thunder so much as a random drum parade, passing by the building. What are the odds of this happening as I tell my wife that it’s been a real circus?

So I mention that the thunder is a drum parade and it’s getting louder. My wife tells me to stop with the stories. I insist that I’m not making this up. I know it’s a drum parade because it seems to be inside the building now and heading right past my office….

My wife told me later that she was incredulous and thought I was just coming up with stories for fun. I wasn’t aware of this because I no longer had the phone to my ear. I’m not sure where it went, but my hands were incredibly busy, holding themselves over my ears to protect my eardrums (and what was left of my sanity).

Yes, the marching drum parade was parading past my office and down the hall. In a business. On MLK Day. Even with the door closed it was like they were right there in the room with us. We could hear every last BOOM BOOM CRASH CRASH as if our heads were inside the drums.

People don’t believe me when I tell them there was a marching drum parade in my building on MLK Day. My only defense is that I couldn’t make up stuff like this. This stuff just writes itself.

The only question that remains is what type of service the marching drum parade was providing. Were they giving of themselves to help the manufacturers of headache medicines? Were they teaching us all a very important lesson about Dr. King that was so important we couldn’t possibly understand it?

No, wait, I’ve got it!!!! The plan is so brilliant that it merely looked like insanity.
They were helping out the local crack addicts.

Stay with me a second….. they made such an unholy racket that they were driving us to smoke crack. Even those at work who don’t already smoke crack know that you go across the street to the crack park to smoke crack. So we’d wind up across the street, smoking crack, and leaving the vials on the ground. And providing something to do for the non-crack smokers on MLK Day.

It’s mind boggling out here in the Twilight Zone.