I had to stop going to Home Depot. It happened for reasons other than the fact that I shouldn’t be allowed near power tools, or worse - wood. I had to stop going to Home Depot because of Home Depot.

This is a corporation that ate another corporation, farting out the worst excuse anyone has ever seen for a retail establishment. They must hire the ones Burger King rejects. The ones too unstable even for military service. The ones MY company fires.

Don’t get me wrong - if you know exactly what you want, you’ll probably make it out alive. Just don’t count on or go looking for one of the orange-vested misfits. Assuming you can even locate or flag down one of the Doofus Denizens, they will be of absolutely no help whatsoever. Most of their time is spent misdirecting customers, in a clear case of Let’s Screw with the People. When they’re not giving out incorrect information, they’re hanging out in the back room, with the large screen tv’s and video pong games.

Recently a Lowes sprung up in my neighborhood. I was pleasantly surprised to find it well stocked, uncrowded, and full of helpful people. I knew this couldn’t last long and was proven correct when I attempted to call with a question. I was transferred repeatedly and hung up on about three times. The operator knew my voice as `the guy Lumber is not answering the phone for’.

I wrote a love letter to Lowes, questioning their ability to handle wood if they couldn’t even grasp the concept of answering the phone for a customer. I wondered if they were about to be acquired by Home Depot. The store manager wrote back, apologizing. He sounded pretty sincere and gave me his phone number in case I had any problems in the future.

I recently found out Lowes will cut wood for you, so I went in to get the supplies to finally build a cabinet for the tube amp kit I built two years ago (quick on my feet, no?). Spotting the Project Center, I waited for Phone Guy (thus proving their employees CAN use the phone) and asked who to talk to about getting wood cut. Phone Guy turns around and asks somebody out of sight who can cut wood.

Huh?

Who’s in cutting wood today?

Huh?

Is Mike cutting wood or can you do it for the customer?

When does he want it - next week?

Maybe you should come out here and ask him.

Huh?

The customer is right out here at the counter.

You have to appreciate this. The poor guy at the counter is honestly trying to help. The other fellow is a First Class Smartass and is giving him a really hard time of it. Since i am a smartass too, I just grinned. The more the counter guy tried to get help, the more Mr. Huh spouts forth, completely oblivious to the small gathering of customers outside his little lair.

Mr. Huh finally appears and informs me that the guy’s `down there’ cutting wood (as if I were expected to know this). Against my better judgement, I went `down there’ to look for further assistance (hopefully without more First Class Smartassing).

After waiting behind several others who eventually found themselves by the wood cutting machine, it was my turn. The fellow was quite helpful, especially after I explained my great proficiency with wood. He asked what the largest measurement was (19″) and took me over to look at wood. He gave me an option then asked to see the plans again.

Oops - sorry. They don’t make cuts under one foot. Their machine can’t.
After thanking him for the world of assistance, I went off in search of my wife. Ignoring my ranting, she insisted on purchasing several items, in spite of my declaration never to even drop a penny on the floor of that establishment. Separating my wife from a sale is like separating President Stupid from `spreading democracy.’

Imagine the nerve of me, a common customer, walking into a place that sells and cuts wood and expecting to have some wood cut! What is wrong with me? Next time I’ll probably go into Sears and expect to buy a screwdriver! Or maybe some common courtesy (just kidding).

I’ve pretty much given up on building things with wood. It’s one thing to be not particularly good with it - it’s another when it seems you’re not allowed to.