I live in the Philthydelphia area, which means I’ve been subjected to the unique phenomenon known as the Mummers for almost as long as I’ve been alive. This is a concept whereby an awful lot of (mostly) men dress up in an awful lot of feathers and things, drink an awful lot of alcohol, and do an awful lot of semi-organized stumbling down some main streets downtown. With banjos.

Can you imagine today’s greatest hits, performed by drunks with banjos and horns? (and one really drunk guy carrying a big bass)

This is televised. And people watch it. They line the streets, also frequently armed with mass quantities of alcoholic beverages. And that’s just the little kids.

As if this weren’t enough to keep you in bed for the rest of the brand new year, you also have the climate known as Philly Gloom. Most years, even in Philly, consist of 365 days. Unfortunately in Philly, approximately 265 of those days are either raining or so gloomy you can’t see twenty feet in front of you.

We’re in the process of planning a telethon called Get Philly a Real Climate. In order to make people think we’re serious, we’re not going to feature the Mummers.

Plan for rain.