It’s been a few years since my last (near fatal) trip to K Mart. I remember thinking to myself that I usually had to purchase fast food to find employees this incompetent.

So I stopped going.
(to K Mart and fast food)

In the meantime, Sears bought K Mart. Or K Mart bought Sears. Or something. Either way, Wal Mart is laughing hysterically at *both* of them. The winner of Most Child Labor Laws Broken is yet to be determined.

For some reason, I agreed to accompany my wife to K Mart, possibly because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. Or maybe it was because she promised me she’d come to Guitar Center with me (she probably needed the laughs).

A lot has changed since one chain bought the other. For instance, you can now purchase Craftsman tools, right next to those K Mart tools that we all know and love. And rather than being understaffed, they hired lots more people. These new hires actually accost customers, right after the shock of walking through the front door, and explain that they’re not selling anything. Gee, that’s thoughtful of them.

They go on to ask if you were going to have one thing done to your home,
which would it be. And they show you pictures (yay - pictures!). I never actually saw the pictures since I chose to ignore the first idiot who accosted me in favor of New Crack Ho Barbie (and her special friend, Klaus Barbie).

So when you choose NEW SIDING, –> surprise <–, just today, just because you’re shopping in K Mart (and just because they’re not selling anything), they’ll send someone out to your house to talk about siding.

Presumably they’ll be selling something.

I also took notice of the No Pricing Policy. It is apparently written in the K Mart Operating Policy (K MOP) that anyone found pricing merchandise will be fired immediately (then demoted to Manager). It appeared that the longest line in the store was the one in front of the price scanner.

The No Pricing Policy was nicely complemented by the No Item in its Place Policy (NIPPLES). Just in case you found an item on a shelf that was close to an actual price, you would eventually discover that the $44.99 filing cabinet you just bought was in fact the Party Pack case of pregnancy tests ($99.00 after mailin manufacturers rebate).

Unfortunately you would only discover this after they scanned the filing cabinet, noted the price discrepancy, and asked over the store p.a. system, “HOW MUCH IS THE SPECIAL ORGY PACK OF PREGNANCY TESTS?” And won’t your kids be impressed this holiday season?

Then there’s the special K Mart Bait and Befuddle Move (B.M.), wherein there’s a huge display of candy on sale, but not a price to be found. Thinking on my feet (before stepping on someone else’s), I went to the candy aisle, only to find the same candy, on sale, without a price. It’s like Philadelphia (You Can’t Get There from Here).

The checkout lines were just as I remembered them, possibly with the same people waiting in them. When we eventually reached the Helpful Teller (Shaquanda, Shamira, or Shamu - I forget), she was so rude as to interrupt a perfectly good argument my wife and I were having (ok, continuing) just to ask me if I wanted to purchase the extended warranty on my Craftsman barbecue apron. Ok, I’m kidding…. it was on my Craftsman cap with LEDs in it. There was an available one year warranty on it. Hell no, I thought… if it’s Craftsman, it’ll never break anyway!

That was more than enough for K Mart for the century. On the way out, I was interrupted by some fellow who wanted to know if I minded if he asked me some questions, as he wasn’t selling anything. Considering that this was the same idiot who asked me the first time, I pleasantly bade him good day, while suggesting something physically impossible (even for the double-jointed).

If retailers are crying because everyone’s shopping online, I suspect it’s because retailers are actually driving them there.

I leave you with a slogan coined by some comics I used to work with:

“KKK Mart - the store for stuttering bigots”