Do the Strong Really Survive?
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People tell me all the time that I am strong. I have survived losing my brother to cancer, my own cancer, years of mental and physical abuse from my husband, the nasty divorce, losing my best friend in a car wreck, and much more. Each time, I was able to reach inside and find the strength to go on, to do what needed to be done.
These days, however, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find that reserve. I’m tired of being strong. I just don’t want to anymore. Pity party? Maybe. I’m human, just like the rest of you. I just want to go to bed, get under the covers, and not come out for awhile. I want to cuddle my teddy bear, and just have quiet. No more worrying. No more stressing out. No more any of it. Even just ONE damn day.
I’ve talked about my daughter, and her recent health problems. She didn’t make it back to school again today. She hasn’t been since the 6th, and it’s killing her to miss so much. She’s very social, and worried something will happen without her. She woke up today in so much pain, she could barely move. The doctor refuses to give her ANY kind of meds, until she sees the specialist.
What I haven’t really mentioned here is my Dad. Up until four years ago, my Dad was a drunk. Other than that, his health was actually pretty good. A little over a year ago, they discovered a clot and circulation problem in his left leg. They botched the surgery for it, and ended up amputating just below the knee. He’s had nothing but pain and problems ever since. Two weeks ago, I went with him for a procedure to check the circulation in both legs, since he’s having problems with the right now, as well. He saw the specialist today. He has NO circulation whatsoever in the stump. Even the artifical artery they put in is collapsed. They have to take the rest of the leg off. AND… they are going to “TRY” the same procedure on the right side… bypass around the knee. HAH. “IF” it fails, they’ll have to take it off, as well.
On top of that, he’s been battling a thyroid problem. They gave him some kind of radiation pill that kills off the thyroid. Then when it’s dead or whatever, they would put him on thyroid replacement meds. Well.. it did not work. He has to go through the whole thing again. AND… a side effect of the thyroid problem he’s having is that his right eye is bulging literally OUT of his head, making seeing difficult, and even painful at times.
Add to Beka and Dad the normal blues b/c of struggling so hard every day to make ends meet, the normal family problems (my mother) that I’ve always dealt with…. and yeah. A recipe for disaster.
Think worse of me if you will. I feel the need to whine. I feel the need to pity myself just a bit. I feel the need to cry.
And then…
I will be the me I always am… the strong one for everyone. I will push aside how I feel, and what I need, and I WILL take care of my baby and my Daddy. My family is literally my life. That’s what makes all of it so damn hard.
7 Comments
Jeremy
December 19th, 2007
at 7:51am
I’ll pray for you and your family through this christmas season.
sjc1963
December 19th, 2007
at 8:40am
Survival of the fittest was never about the survival of the strongest, nor of the smartest, but of the most responsive to change. In other words its how well you adapt to what is doing on around you that makes you the fittest.
bayoujim
December 19th, 2007
at 8:40am
You are a beautiful person.
One who is not afraid to speak your mind, to tell about life the way it really is. To talk about the things that our society tries to hide. Not the sugar coated image our government and the corporations want the world to think of Americans.
Americans are suffering with no health care, living below the poverty level , no jobs, a government being run by corporations whose only interest is to take your money.
I live in an economically depressed area and I am appaled by what I seeing. Yet everyday on Tv I see how well our country is doing
I tried to contact my Senator the other day and about a certain vote in Congress and was sent a standard reply saying Kay Bailey Hutchinson was too busy to reply, also there was something about the Homeland Security Act and that I would have to fill out a form first before I could send her an email. I actually felt threatened
Keep on telling it the way it is, you are a beautiful person..
WereBo
December 19th, 2007
at 10:03am
The way I see it, you’ve been there for everyone else, listening to their problems and being supportive, now it’s YOUR turn! Everyone is allowed a whinge/whine now and again, it helps you realise who your friends are when they arrive with lights to help you through dark times.
Enjoy having a ‘down’ time, you’ll appreciate all the little happy things so much more, afterwards. I wish you and yours all the best for Christmas and the New Year.
Oldest Timer
December 19th, 2007
at 9:05pm
I know a little of what you are experiencing. I lost my father not too long ago, then I came down with Rocky Mountain Spotted Tick Fever and almost died, I lost three of my best friends to cancer in the last two years, then I was diagnosed with cancer and spent two and a half months in Cancer Treatment Centers of America and then when I got home my wife had to go have part of her colon removed and tomorrow I have to go back in the hospital to try to have my heart regulated from atrial fibrillation. I just got back from CTCA yesterday and you know what? every time I’m there I’m overwhelmed by the stories of those who have it so much worse than me. Over fifty percent of the people that are there have been told by their doctors back home that there is no hope, go home and get their affairs in order. I can’t count the number of people I met that have lived five years or more after they were sent home to die. Sure, some of them didn’t make it, but you have to fight, even when you don’t have any fight left. Are there times when I wanted to give up? Yes, many, but I will NOT give up, I will continue to fight against everything that comes against me and I know you will too. Just look at all the good things in your life and be thankful and know there are those who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.
Brian
December 19th, 2007
at 11:51pm
Dear Kat,
I haven’t experienced your exact circumstances, but I certainly know what it means to suffer, and I’ve surely done my share of whining!
Just remember that it truly does get better if you hold on long enough. Know, too, that things are rarely as they appear; there is often a reason.
Finally, don’t be too proud to ask for help. Perhaps it seems cliche, but part of being “strong” is having the courage to accept your limitations.
Hugs,
BHC
Robert AKA crownx
December 29th, 2007
at 1:44am
wow, you definitley are strong. i never thought someone could go through all of that, and still be who u are today. u remind me ALOT of my sister, u guys are almost in identical situations. i pray for you & ur daughter and just keep staying strong Kat, you have to for yourself AND your daughter, im sure ur her world and she definitley needs you Kat. shes lucky to have such a great mom, and your a great person Kat. <3