At the risk of covering old ground, I seem to continually be in a state of career confusion. Or should I say profession confusion, because sometimes I want to give up IT and become a lumberjack or sheep-shearer? On Monday morning, I was hit with a sudden spike of e-mails and voicemails from old and new clients, each requesting my time. Thank heavens for my Blackberry, otherwise I’d never know when to schedule them. I just have to remember to leave room for, well, life itself.

Don’t get me wrong. In today’s economy, I am thrilled to be busy. It’s better than being un- or underemployed, as I know thousands of skilled tech professionals are (because I was briefly one of them). For me to be the least bit whiny may rub some people the wrong way. But let me put my dilemma in some context.

I’m approaching two years as a self-employed IT “Jack of All Trades.” It continues to challenge me in ways I never anticipated. But the most frustrating part of it all is the last minute nature of it all. I get these “bursts” of activity, which are getting more frequent, but no more predictable, that demand I shift gears almost continually. At times, I feel like my brain will just leak out of my ears. That’s when I feel like going back to a traditional full time IT position somewhere.

It’s not that full time IT jobs are any less stressful or demanding, it’s just a different kind of stress. Is replacing one kind of stress with another any better? I guess it depends on what your personal values and career goals are. The IT job market shows glimmers of getting better, plus I have pathways (not guarantees) that might lead me back to a full time position.

I sometimes tell myself that stability in a full-time job is an illusion and how being a rugged (and in-demand) entrepreneur is a better guarantee of making a living in the long run. Then there are times I tell myself that what I am doing right now is just plum crazy. I barely know what is coming my way two weeks down the road, but during those two weeks, I am a human pinball, going from gig to gig. I’ve tried to think of ways to plan better, but it is a demand driven business. Some of my clients and projects can be spaced out over time, others have to be done quickly. Some clients are willing to wait for me to be available, others are not so flexible.

All this can easily be interpreted as signs that I need a partner, or at the very least, somebody I can delegate to. I’ve thought about that a lot, and might finally get off my duff and kick start that process. However, I’m utterly terrified of the prospect of handing off one of my customers to somebody else. Why? I’m not sure. I suppose there is a control freak lurking somewhere inside of me. But I also think that I’m fearful of the process of finding the right person. Fearful of how much time it will take (and time does = money), and especially fearful of making the wrong choice. But that’s all theoretical at the moment, although I did have a fellow gnomie get a taste of “the biz” by shadowing me on a network install.

I think in the back of my mind, I’ve treated my self employment as merely a survival tactic. But now that I’ve got some time under my belt as an independent(I’m sure many of you have much more time logged), a little voice is telling me to go back to a full time scenario. Maybe I am seeking things like continuity and predictability. Maybe I’m also pining to be part of a larger team. Maybe I’m just getting too old (I won’t mention my age). Whatever the reason, I’ve got to do something soon, either find a way to reduce the chaos as an independent or find the right full-time opportunity.