I have to tell you about my new operating system. No, it isn’t XP, Linux, or Mac. It is the Zebra 5000, Home Edition! It cost me $500, but it is well worth it. You don’t mind spending the extra money when you get quality! Let me tell you about its features.

1. It starts up in 12.5 seconds and is ready to go. The unused functions are not loaded. They are standing by for quick access, as others shut down when not in use.

2. Shutdown is in four seconds. Totally! The only time it takes longer is if I have not saved files, then it gives me a chance to do so. I have never lost unsaved work or had it corrupted.
3. It is compatible with most software built around the 80xxx. The few programs it won’t work with were so poorly written that I don’t miss them. Plus, every software manufacturer is trying desperately to come out with a Zebra compatible package as soon as possible. They are finding it very easy to write software for the Zebra, as there are not a lot of strange DLLs or twists and turns to get programs to work with this operating system, unlike XP.
4. There is a familiar “Windows” environment that keeps the continuity with other OSs.
5. The Hard Drive File system is unique. There is no need for defragging, as it starts off organizing the structure and it keeps it organized. When not being used in the middle of the night it takes care of any housekeeping necessary.
6. It never crashes. When something illegal happens, it simply adjusts itself to handle the overflows, dividing by zero, etc.
7. New hardware has to be compatible, but if it isn’t, drivers can be developed easily as the interface code is freely given. There is a team working non-stop developing drivers. You can request a special driver for a $35 charge, if the manufacturer cooperates.
8. There is a 24/7 live help desk. Free for one year, $25 per problem after that. Extension of support is $75/year. Toll free.
9. There is an extensive manual of operation and features.
10. E-mail questions are answered within two hours.
11. Upgrades are $200 every two years. Updates are $10.00, if you want the new features. Critical updates are free, of course.

Oh yeah, I forgot the best part. The Zebra 5000 has helped me to grow hair and made me lose 150 lbs! [Warren Ward]