Haroonbannu, a member of our LockerGnome community, asks:

“Is there an app for improving your sex life? With gazillions of apps out there, chances are there are a couple of them designed to flare it up a bit. Has anybody ever come across one?”

Nudge, nudge? Wink, wink? Say no more!

While it’s true that you can find all sorts of apps promising to make you more attractive to members of your preferred gender(s), hook you up with other locals equally obsessed with frenzied stimulation of your mutual pleasure centers, teach you exotic sex secrets of the ancient world (illustrated for clarity!), get you mentally prepared for the successful act of lovemaking, bring the zing back into a long-term relationship, and reveal uncensored photos of the uncovered bits and pieces of your favorite celebrities, your smart phone’s best app probably came factory installed on the darned thing when you eagerly unwrapped it from its beckoning box the day it was dropped off by the mail carrier. It’s the one that lets you best directly communicate with the intended object of your affections and express — one would hope in a non-creepy manner — your desire for a meaningful sex life together. (Or meaningless sex life, as the case may be. But again, be careful about the creepy.)

Use the phone to call him or her (or text if that’s how you like to roll) and arrange to meet in person. If they like you back, you don’t need any stinkin’ apps to get you sexified. Lots of free information (and, to be fair, misinformation) can be found on the Internet relating to everything you could want to know about improving your sex life. Use the big, grey app inside of your head that calls the shots for everything else to discern fact from fiction. Some say the brain is the most important sex organ of all (others say it’s the big toe on the left foot, but we call those people perverts, son).

The short answer, if you’d really like to know, is that we at LockerGnome World Headquarters are too pristine to know anything about the subject matter addressed in this particular inquiry. Would you like to discuss OS X, Windows, or Linux? Star Wars? LEGO? Science fiction? Gaming? Not a problem. But our faces go red at the mere thought of… whatever it is you’re talking about regarding this “sex” business. Honest!

We’re pure as church bells ringing in the crisp autumn air. And as long as you don’t have an app that serves as a lie detector, you’re just going to have to accept that as gospel. Cheers!