Voldemort’s Final Horcrux Discovered in Unlikely Place

The PistolShrimps discover the awful secret about why their trusty relic of a Nokia 3310 is so resilient.

“It’s indestructible! I’ve smashed it, like, a million times. Never breaks!”

Voldemort's Final Horcrux Discovered in Unlikely Place
[From Voldemort’s Final Horcrux by PistolShrimps]

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Our resident "Bob" (pictured here through the lens of photographer Jason DeFillippo) is in love with a woman who talks to animals. He has a fondness for belting out songs about seafaring and whiskey (arguably inappropriate in most social situations). He's arm-wrestled robots and won. He was born in a lighthouse on the storm-tossed shores of an island that has since been washed away and forgotten, so he's technically a citizen of nowhere. He's never killed in anger. He once underwent therapy for having an alien in his face, but he assures us that he's now feeling "much better." Fogarty also claims that he was once marooned along a tiny archipelago and survived for months using only his wits and a machete, but we find that a little hard to believe.