Toilet Paper Money Roll is Not a New Kind of Sushi

Toilet Paper Money Roll is Not a New Kind of Sushi

A toilet paper money roll shows the world that you think currency unbacked by a precious metal standard is only worth its weight in poopwipe. [Image shared by Pirillo Picks: Episode IV]

Toilet paper money, you say? What is the meaning of this?

Well, stockpiling bundles of paper money to burn while impoverished street urchins looked on sadly may have impressed wax-mustachioed 19th century robber barons, but the truly elite, 21st century one-percenters prove — to the upper echelon and hoi polloi, alike — that they’ve really come into their own by simply flushing copious amounts of toilet paper money down the W.C.

Figuratively and literally.

Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another Toilet Paper Money Roll?

You see, when you’re canoodling with your fat cat chums at the Bohemian Grove, exchanging nostalgic Skull and Bones handshakes and laughing about your outrageous college days, you need to make sure your 14-carat bum doesn’t get chafed raw by the plebeian single-ply toilet paper of the common people. Toilet paper money, on the other hand, is rich, two-ply, and cottony smooth for easy tidying of the nether regions.

When you, ahem, lay the golden egg, you don’t want to succumb to the mishaps associated with lesser toilet paper rolls. Even if your excrement happens to exude an aromatic redolence of vanilla and honeysuckle, to sully your uncalloused hands with such self-produced feculence is categorically undignified. In the good olden days, you’d have had the hired help handle these humiliating hardships of hygiene.

Now, though? The best that even you can hope for is to have a closet crammed full of toilet paper money rolls at the ready for those inconvenient interruptions when nature calls. Maybe you can turn things around when you take your rightful place on the Ruling Council of The Illuminati Order and reinstate the proper levels of humiliation upon those pressed into domestic servitude without fear of lawsuit; for now, though, this is the next best thing.

The Toilet Paper Money Will Roll Right In

When you’ve got an hourly income that typically exceeds the combined GNP of the western hemisphere, the toilet paper money will roll right in. But if you tire of utilizing the face of a founding father on a facsimile of modern American currency, it’s nice to know that you still have a multitude of other options.

In the end (har, har), what suits thy royal derriere, your majesty?

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Our resident "Bob" (pictured here through the lens of photographer Jason DeFillippo) is in love with a woman who talks to animals. He has a fondness for belting out songs about seafaring and whiskey (arguably inappropriate in most social situations). He's arm-wrestled robots and won. He was born in a lighthouse on the storm-tossed shores of an island that has since been washed away and forgotten, so he's technically a citizen of nowhere. He's never killed in anger. He once underwent therapy for having an alien in his face, but he assures us that he's now feeling "much better." Fogarty also claims that he was once marooned along a tiny archipelago and survived for months using only his wits and a machete, but we find that a little hard to believe.