No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer

No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer

Fix your computer? I’d rather be fixing coffee. (Translation: No, I will not fix your computer.) [Image shared by Amazon]

“Fix your computer? No, I will not fix your computer.” — Your Wishful Inner Voice, circa whenever you’re asked

Are you the person in your family who gets a call whenever the computer of someone in your extended clan starts acting a little off kilter? Have you been designated as the resident computer expert either because:

  1. you have genuine know-how about the complex synergy between tangible machine hardware and the more esoteric nuances of its software, or
  2. you’re just caught playing a lot of Skyrim in the basement’s makeshift recreation room instead of doing your algebra homework?

Learn how to say this one simple phrase and I guarantee that your life will automatically become at least 75% simpler:

“No, I will not fix your computer.”

Doesn’t it feel good just to say it out loud? Sure, you may have to work up the courage to actually say it out loud to the next family member or friend who tries to wrangle you into performing arcane acts of mending on their impaired machine, but every baby step counts.

Still can’t come out and say what you mean (and say it mean)? Maybe a little visual clarification on the audio track will help get the point across in a way that doesn’t make you so uncomfortable. Like, say, a coffee mug that beautifully conveys the message simply and poignantly. (And if you’re not into coffee, the same mug will work nicely for tea, milk, water, soda, or a variety of adult beverages as the situation demands.)

No, I Will Not Fix Your Computer

Are your friends and family still not getting the picture? Believe it or not, genuine illiteracy is a far bigger obstacle to getting ahead in the world than computer illiteracy. But you must persevere if you wish to live a life free from the beck and call of the less tech savvy.

Article Written by

Our resident "Bob" (pictured here through the lens of photographer Jason DeFillippo) is in love with a woman who talks to animals. He has a fondness for belting out songs about seafaring and whiskey (arguably inappropriate in most social situations). He's arm-wrestled robots and won. He was born in a lighthouse on the storm-tossed shores of an island that has since been washed away and forgotten, so he's technically a citizen of nowhere. He's never killed in anger. He once underwent therapy for having an alien in his face, but he assures us that he's now feeling "much better." Fogarty also claims that he was once marooned along a tiny archipelago and survived for months using only his wits and a machete, but we find that a little hard to believe.