the story

What started out as a simple gesture turned into a worldwide phenomenon before I knew it. I used to surf the Internet for hours, looking for the latest and greatest downloads; I remember visiting Yahoo when it still had a tilde in its URL. That, of course, was long before I decided to give anything back to the Internet public at large. Sure, nowadays everyone has a small web page or two (some even have more than twenty). But coming up with a killer idea (that'll attract thousands of surfers) is the most difficult thing anyone could ever do. It all starts with an idea. The rest is just details.

Okay, now that I've oversimplified the story, let's take a step back and figure out just how this puppy began. Though these details may sound out of context as you're reading them, you'll only appreciate Lockergnome for what it is today by understanding what it took to create it. I'll skip the non-tech fluff and go straight for the jugular whenever possible.

I started using computers when I was an embryo. In fact, I was downloading Placenta 3.2 a few hours before my birth. On July 26th, 1973, Christopher Joseph Pirillo version 1.0 was born-and I've been in beta stages since then. I suppose every kid in my generation played Oregon Trail on the Apple IIe at least four times at his or her grade school. I was no exception. I know for a fact that I played it at least five times, for sure. Then my grandpa got a Commodore Vic20 that he had hooked up to an old black & white television set. No disk drive-just a tape recorder. I played around with it and memorized a few BASIC programs. Nothing special. I felt smart for a fifth grader, though.

Now the first public display of my geeky talents had to be at the Science Center of Iowa. Since I had memorized a couple of neat BASIC programs (and the Science Center had a Vic20 set up on a color screen), I decided to show everyone what I could do. A crowd of two gathered around me as I worked my magic on the keyboard. I felt like one of those geniuses I'd always see on television in those "high tech" movies. Well, in a matter of minutes, the screen was speckled with flashing random colors. I was sincerely impressed. But one of the onlookers just pounded the keyboard as I stepped back. I suppose that's just about all a four year old can do. Oh well.

I believe that somewhere around that time, my dad decided that we needed to get a computer for home use, too. So he went out and purchased the newfangled Commodore 64; it had a disk drive. I'll never forget that (Christmas Eve) night. I sat and watched the screen fill with graphics (it took the IBM platform years to even match the standard of sound and visuals which came from the Commodore 64). My dad was pretty overprotective of it… for about three days. And then it was back to football season. Luckily, I was born without the sports-lovin' gene, so I dove into the C64 whole hog.

And speaking of hogs, I probably should have mentioned that I was born (and still live) in the great Midwestern state of Iowa. Not Idaho. Not Ohio. Iowa. This factoid will become relevant later on in this story. But for the moment, let's get back to playing with "my first" home computer.

As I recall, it was around this time that reading started to bore me. If it wasn't about computers or technology, I'd tune out. Of course, I wasn't too thrilled to read any books on BASIC programming, either. So I didn't. I'd just play around with the flashing cursor and create programs with my not-so-extensive knowledge of BASIC. Yes, it was pretty basic, indeed. But I had fun with it-and eventually I wound up designing an RPG for a Nintendo Power contest (Nintendo Power being the big magazine for the original Nintendo game console). I got a runner-up prize. Must have been because I bothered to send them a disk. I still wonder to this day if they ever bothered to look at it. I didn't actually code the game, but I created an "online" help manual for it.

The only "formal" computer class I have ever taken was BASIC programming (junior year in high school). That was when I first started working with IBM-compatible computers. I had to admit, DOS was a little bit more fun than the C64-at first. Have hard drive, will travel. So my dad purchased an IBM clone for our home. As expected, he lost interest in it after three weeks. He wanted to use it for accounting purposes. I just wanted to use it… ya know, for the sake of just using it?

I knew virtually nothing about the "specifics" of computers, but my troubleshooting skills were being sharpened by the hour. During my senior year in high school, our school was chosen to house a GEOS-TAP computer terminal. There were eight others just like it, sitting in other high schools around the country. GEOS-TAP is a weather satellite-this computer would allow the user to download satellite images and manipulate them on-screen with weather tools. You could basically be your own forecaster.

I should have bothered to tell you that I was keenly interested in becoming a weatherman early on in life. In fact, another moment I'll always remember is meeting one of Des Moines' local weatherpersons and getting his autograph. Other kids would gather around the sportscaster, but as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't borne with that gene.

Anyway, this computer was fantastic. But nobody knew how to use it. The manuals and documentation were incomplete, and the software was seemingly difficult to use and understand. We students had no idea why it was sitting in our physics classroom, nor did we know we were part of a select group of schools in the GEOS-TAP program. One day, it was announced that the science department was looking for individuals to demonstrate how to use this system. They said there was some sort of mystery prize involved. Okay, whatever. I just wanted to play with the cumulonimbi.

Now, let's take another step back. I wasn't the world's brightest student. The only classes I excelled in had to do with writing. Apparently, this is what I was good at. And before you tell me that I shouldn't end my sentences in prepositions, I should tell you that Oxford says it's okay. Math & Science were not my best friends. We have never gotten along. And I should also tell you, ironic though this may be, that I also would have flunked out of economics class had the teacher not offered retakes of the tests. I retook every single one-and passed with a B- only because some of those retakes were exactly the same as the original ones. Since the teacher would read the answers aloud in class, I'd memorize them in hopes that I'd get a passing grade the second time around. It worked. That just goes to show you how cunning I am. Well, not really, but let's just pretend that I am for the moment. Back to this "mystery prize" thing.

I went up against the brains in the school (there must have been about ten of them). Each one had a grade point average higher than my shoe size. Of course, I'd be lucky to have a grade point average that even registered. We weren't allowed to watch each other demonstrate the system, but that was no big deal. When my turn came, I knocked their socks off. Heck, I was pulling stuff out of my ASCII left and right. The next day, we all gathered in the Physics classroom to see who won the prize. Well, duh, if you haven't figured it out by now, I won hands down. And I won an all-expenses paid trip to New Orleans for a week (January 1991) to help demonstrate this system at the American Meteorological Society's annual convention.

I felt smart. Then I went to college: The University of Northern Iowa.

I didn't do much with computers my freshman year; I would use them to write poetry and short stories (and by the way, I wrote and finished a complete unpublished novel before graduating high school). One of my roomies showed me how you could talk to someone else in real time by using the computer. That, again, was an experience that will forever be etched in my memory. That was my first time seeing the Internet. Of course, it wasn't the Internet at the time. An e-mail address? A homepage? A few years from mainstream acceptance.

At the beginning of my sophomore year, I started tinkering with my University VMS account. I was able to send e-mail, read the newsgroups, and chat with people. I was hooked. Unfortunately, I also had to use the University's computers-I didn't have my own. Although, I do remember coming home one weekend and purchasing a 2400 baud modem to install on my dad's PC. I wound up frying the floppy drive when I had the case open and it was sitting on top of metal during a reboot. We won't tell him that, though, will we? I wanted to show my family the Internet. They were afraid of being attacked by viruses, though. So being "online" at home would have to wait.

I had learned HTML early on-my first homepage was optimized for Lynx. Over time, my skills were sharpened. I probably should have read a manual on it-but you know how I love to read. Nevertheless, I enjoyed throwing together web pages… you can imagine how thrilled I was to actually see them in a graphical browser! Our University didn't use Windows at the time-so I had to rely on friends' computers to view my HTML creations. The time had come for me to own my own processor. So I went out and purchased an "old" system which didn't even have a hard drive. Eh, I just used it to check my e-mail and chat on a local BBS (ISCA).

Well, I saved up enough money… rather, I used part of my student loan refund to purchase a bigger (more powerful) hunk o' junk. It was at that moment that I was forever bonded with these infernal contraptions. If I wasn't on that computer, I wasn't awake. I spent hours and hours looking for the niftiest downloads and utilities. When I found them, I'd tell other people around campus. Heck, I even had my own humor list called SMEGMA (look that one up in a dictionary, I'm not going to tell you the definition here). I suppose that was a precursor to Lockergnome. Rather, the concepts were in place, but nothing had been glued together yet.

I could write, I understood computers, I loved being online, I shared my discoveries with others, I was intrigued by the Internet's power to increase and simplify communication…

I chose English Education as a major; English, because I could write and still hated to read, and Education, because I needed to get a job when I was finished writing and not reading things. For some strange reason, I thought it would be fun to do my student teaching in San Antonio in the fall of 1995. It wasn't. That was a nightmare, but we won't go into that, either. Suffice to say, I realized I wanted to do something more with my life-and do something more with computers in the process. During a class where I was instructing seventh graders on adverbs, I turned around and blurted out loud: "I shouldn't be here. I should be teaching computers." And they all looked at me and said: "Duh." That was my first placement.

I requested to be pulled from my second teaching assignment due to teacher incompatibilities, but there were no other English teaching placements for me to take. I jokingly mentioned 'Computer Literacy'. My supervisor accepted my quasi-proposal, and I was immediately placed in a seventh grade level computer class. What a thrill! I was able to get up in front of an "official" classroom, apart from small seminars and informal sessions, and teach a lesson or two. I wound up creating a small unit on spreadsheets. Had I ever used spreadsheets before? Not extensively. Was my knowledge extensive? Enough to teach seventh graders. And I taught them for two weeks straight; it was a blast. I was having more fun than I ever did with English. Computers made me happy.

Apparently, I had been blind to this for so many years. Everyone else could see it, but I couldn't. Must have been something in the water? When I'd talk to people, they'd assume I was an MIS or CS major. When I'd talk to professional geeks, they'd regard me as one of their own. But computers were just a hobby for me. In a way, they still are; I'm just now trying to make a living from that hobby. Beats teaching people about nouns and verbs, I tell ya.

So when I returned to the University, I took up a job in the College of Social & Behavioral Science's (CSBS) computer lab. Since the University's Computer Labs wouldn't hire me because I was too much of a menace (I was always telling them how to make their system more efficient), it was the only place I could go on campus to work with PCs. I couldn't stand Macs at that point-and I really couldn't tell you why. No, seriously-I don't know why I disliked Macs as much as I did. Working in that computer lab was a step in the right direction, but I was close to graduation-and I needed a more challenging job.

By the way, I graduated magna cum laude… not bad for an English major who didn't read anything. Plus, when you factor in the number of professors I upset by not writing the way they wanted me to write, I suppose it's darn ironic that I graduated with honors.

The summer of 1996 was upon me, and CSBS hired me as their full-time webmaster. I didn't take care of any back-end things, just the front-end stuff. That job was a good one-it gave me enough money to pay the bills. Rent would have killed me, had I not lived in a fraternity house just off of campus.

The men of Tau Kappa Epsilon welcomed me into their small home. They were desperate for bodies (for renting purposes, mind you). At first I had reservations, but within two weeks, I felt like I was one of the gang. TKE changed my life-and that's something I'll not soon forget. I was able to be myself among people my age, each of whom had different talents. Here's the funny part: they respected me, and my knowledge of computers & the Internet. Strange that I'd have to be in a fraternity house to find that kind of love-but I have yet to find that level of acceptance anywhere else.

I wasn't a "Frater" since I had graduated a month or so earlier. However, they welcomed me to join as an honorary member. Though my girlfriend (now wife) was reluctant about this decision, I jumped into the Fraternity puddle with both feet. I was the resident geek-and proud of it. My license plates still read: TKEGEEK.

We would go out for tacos every Wednesday night (a local restaurant was running a summer special). During one of those nights, I started to go off on the University's antiquated computer system. I explained (rather loudly) how things should change, and how someone could make money by making certain changes. Oops-I shouldn't have done that. What if I was giving away all my good ideas? Ideas that I might use later on?

After the meal, I walked over to a couple who were sitting close to our table. I apologized to them for speaking so loudly. The gentleman wiped his mouth and asked me to sit down. He then went on to explain that he was a self-made millionaire. Who was I to argue? He said that he liked what I had to say, and that I came across as a person who would be successful in my ventures. Then his girlfriend chimed in and said that I reminded her of "Phil Cates". Yes, honey, that's Bill Gates, and I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you.

At that point, the wheels in my head went into overdrive. If a millionaire saw that in me, then I'd have to find some way to get it out of me. But coming up with a killer idea is the most difficult thing anyone could ever do. It all starts with an idea. The rest is just details.

Now we've come full circle to the birth of our beloved Lockergnome.

I was doodling on paper in the CSBS computer lab when I suddenly wrote out the words "Star Dot Star". I don't know why-it was probably something in the water again. Then my next thought was sending out a free e-mail newsletter that dealt with Windows 95 shareware. In a few seconds, I called up a TKE brother and shot the idea past him. He thought it was great. Of course, this guy was a yes man. I could have told him that I was opening up a Falafel stand on the corner and he would have loved that idea just as much.

I started to assemble a small team of people who would be interested in doing something together. The ideas kept coming to mind-doing online resumes for students at the University, helping people out with their computers in their own homes, installing computer hardware and software, etc.. I had never done something like this before, and I wasn't sure how to start. Of course, neither did anyone else. I held informal meetings to discuss the direction that we'd like to take this "thing". I'd ask questions, and nobody seemed to have the answers. So, I'd ask people to find the answers, but it was usually weeks before any answer ever came back.

I wasn't sold with the name "Star Dot Star". I wanted to be something different, something new. I didn't want to have "compu" or "net" or "tech" or "cyber" in the title-those were all overused. Then one of my TKE brothers asked me if I should use my classic Internet handle: The Locker Gnome.

That nickname was borne when I was still in high school. My college prep writing teacher (the guy who inspired me to become an English major and later told me I was incredibly stupid for actually wanting to become an English teacher) called me shorty names. That's okay, because we students made fun of his nose. Midget, munchkin, knee-high, dwarf, elf… gnome? That one stuck. I wouldn't let him call me anything BUT that. And, for some strange reason, one afternoon, as I was cleaning out my locker, I turned to my friend Dave and announced: "Hi, I'm the Locker Gnome. It's my job to stand by lockers and say: 'Hi, I'm the Locker Gnome.'"

When I started to mess around online, I needed some type of handle (truckers have them, why can't geeks?). The Locker Gnome was the closest thing I had… and now I would be using it for the name of my new computer business. I struck the "The" and combined the last two words to come up with "Lockergnome". A word that, in and of itself, makes no sense. But it has quickly become a web brand. A word that otherwise wouldn't have existed had I not pushed forth online. It was a great marketing tactic-sorta. Eventually, I realized that a majority of users might be turned off by a word they don't understand. Since Lockergnome evolved into a Windows-related resource, since it didn't have "Windows" somewhere in the title, many users would skip over it.

Anyway, back to the beginnings of this business thing.

I had about seven or eight people who wanted to be involved, but since they were all students, soon schoolwork had consumed them and they were no longer interested in doing anything at all. So, instead of doing work in the community, those of us who remained decided to concentrate our efforts on the online aspects of Lockergnome (namely, the free e-mail newsletters). We wanted to release a Windows one and a Macintosh one. I knew I could handle the Windows one, but the Macintosh one was still up for grabs. The person who eventually took it did an okay job. But he wasn't a writer-and he didn't know how to look past fluff and go right for the good stuff. He didn't have that internal filter which told him to stay away from crap and focus on quality.

The Mac newsletter had a short-lived life. The editor became frustrated with me and complained that I was a lousy leader. Besides, we weren't making any money with this thing and it wasn't really going anywhere. So we tried pulling in another guy to help with advertising. Initially, that worked, but nothing was getting done and the leads which were coming in weren't followed through. So soon it was just two of us, until I realized that the only thing Lockergnome "was" was a free Windows 95/NT e-mail newsletter. Why did I need that other person helping me when I was a well-oiled machine on my own? I was my own editor, writer, designer, etc..

Now, don't get me wrong-the people who helped get my business off the ground did a great job. None of us knew what we were doing, and when we turned to look for help, nobody understood. What's an online newsletter? How do you make money? Who wants it? I knew that the concept needed to be proven first for the world to understand this medium as an acceptable business model. And it was a pain in the ASCII to do-especially for a guy who should have failed his only economics class. Yes, the idea intrigued people, but I was the only person who knew what had to be done-and, nine times out of ten, the only person who actually did anything.

Northern Iowan students are well known for their apathy. I should have remembered this. Heck, even people in "the real world" are apathetic. It takes people weeks to do something that should have been done in hours. It's a frustration which I face even today. Even after I explain something a thousand times, I'm the only one who will truly understand. And forget about trying to explain concepts to my family. We don't have a major communication gap between us, but my dad has been through more than I have when it comes to business. I realize he knows more, but he doesn't know Lockergnome.

I hadn't been able to convince my dad that this online newsletter thing was a viable business. Even after four months of writing Lockergnome, he still didn't understand. He'd say thing's like: "How can you do anything on the Internet? People aren't making any money, and…" Yada, yada, yada. (yes, he's a big Seinfeld fan). He's also a big math guy-a CPA.

One day, he and I visited a local Best Buy store. My Dad was looking for a camera; he went in the back to look while I perused the software aisles, looking for the latest software. I saw a gentleman holding onto a piece of software and I said (without thinking): "Oh, that's an excellent program." For what it's worth, he was holding onto Partition Magic-a truly excellent program. Now, I usually don't walk up to people and say things like that, mind you. He said, "Yeah, I've been thinking about getting it, but I'm really not sure."

We talked for about ten minutes; I explained how he would use the software, and all the problems he might encounter. He was still hesitant about purchasing it. "Well," I said, "Are you on the Internet?" He replied, "yes." Pulling a business card out from my wallet, I explained, "Well here, let me give you my business card. If you have any problems, just blast me an e-mail." He looked at the business card, and then he looked up at me. "Oh, is this you?" he asked. And I was thinking: "What, do I hand out my dad's business cards or something?" Then he blurted out, "Oh Hell, I've been a subscriber since January!"

At that point, the guy completely flipped out; he couldn't believe that he was ACTUALLY meeting me. He remarked, "I thought you were some eighty-year old doctor who knew everything about computers. I can't believe you're as young as you are!" He called over his wife and his son and he introduced me to them. It was like he was meeting Phil Cates or something. He even asked for my autograph.

"Remember the newsletter that we sit down and read together on Sundays? Well, this is the guy who writes it!" What a heartwarming thought to know that my scribbles help a father and son spend some quality computer time together. And speaking of fathers, I called over my dad to introduce him to this subscriber. And it was at that moment that he (my dad) realized what was going on with Lockergnome. He was beginning to understand that I was truly connecting with people through my writing. It wasn't just another e-mail newsletter-it was making connections with individuals, and helping them with their day-to-day computer tasks. He knew the money would follow. Of course, we're still kinda waiting for the money to follow, but that's beside the point.

When people ask what makes Lockergnome special, I don't attribute it to my writing-I attribute it to my readers. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't be here. I could write volumes upon volumes, but if nobody bothered to read the information, its existence would be pointless. I'm at the point with Lockergnome right now where I take down entire websites; I drive so much traffic in one direction at one particular time that most servers can't handle the bandwidth. It just shows people that I'm a force to be reckoned with.

And the shareware authors love me to death. I constantly get told that Lockergnome sends more people their direction than through any other website or newsletter-including Microsoft's own! I suppose that's all based on the writing, on top of the trust that I've built with my subscribers over the past two years. I haven't had much money to launch any major marketing or PR campaigns-most people come my way through personal recommendations. If a friend tells you that something is going to be outstanding, you're going to "walk into it" expecting it to be outstanding. Seldom are my readers disappointed.

And here's the odd part-with the same reviews, using the same point of view, both novices and professionals can walk away with something. Usually literature is focused on one group or the other, but I have the ability to attract, entertain, and influence both. When people ask what my style is, I don't have a specific answer. I am myself, and a lot of myself comes across in my writing. It comes naturally after writing e-mail for a few years before other people started. I had to maintain a few long distance relationships that way-I had to learn to be a better writer in order to be a better boyfriend.

And I don't believe in award systems, though every industry (computer-related or not) loves them. I understand the concept behind giving out awards, but nowadays, you don't know who's buying who. When someone approaches me and tells me that "X" site gave them this award, and "Y" newsletter said they were the best… I don't care. I'm "Z", and have never liked "X" or "Y". Before I start sounding like a much-loved Algebra book, I'll make the point that any award isn't worth the page it's printed on. Worth is in the eye of the beholder. This is exactly why I tend not to review things in Lockergnome which don't deserve to be mentioned. I'd rather focus on the good stuff. Because of constantly showing people the BEST, they continue to expect the best-and assume that if I mention it, it'll be the best. Everything in Lockergnome would get 4 or 5 gnomies, so what's the point in giving them out in the first place?

Then some people wonder why I went with an e-mail newsletter rather than a website. First off, there are a zillion websites out there (with a zillion more on their way). Secondly, there were too many Windows-related websites, so I was already hitting a flooded market. Thirdly, not everyone surfed the web. Fourthly, everyone checks their e-mail IMMEDIATELY when they get online. Why rely on someone to bookmark your site to revisit it when you know full well that they have a thousand other bookmarked sites to visit? If someone subscribes to your e-mail newsletter, they're going to receive your content every time you publish it-until they wish to unsubscribe. So, then you have to be sure you're providing top-quality content so that they won't leave. It's a win-win situation.

I've written certain individuals in the industry to either ask them questions or tell them about Lockergnome. To my surprise, several of them reply with: "Oh, I love you guys over at Lockergnome!" Guys? Did I miss something here? Lockergnome is run by myself-that's it. Just one person. I guess it's very difficult to believe that something "so big" is a one-man-show. Lockergnome's website screams professionalism, so visitors assume that it is run by a group of professionals. While I'm a pro, I'd consider myself anything but a professional. Still, it seems that I've got my act together in the eyes of my peers. Which is a good thing to know. Now, if only I could convince them that I created the site in Notepad (which is also true)…

Another thing that separates me from "the crowd" is my openness toward subscribers. I publish my ICQ number (currently the most popular Instant Messaging software available), e-mail address, etc.., so that they know that they can get ahold of me easily. They understand that I'm not some guy sitting in an office pounding away at a computer because it's my job. My writing comes across in a personal way-I talk about my 'non-computer' life all the time, and most find that approach refreshing. It's nice to know your favorite author has a life outside of his writing. I'm a real person, and my subscribers know and respect that. I don't fake my friendliness-I'm from Iowa. We're all born that way.

I say I'm from the Silicorn Valley-though I didn't grow up on a farm. The quote I'm best known for thus far is: "Geek used to be a four-letter word-now it's a six-figure one." It's so true for so many people. I was somewhat ridiculed while in high school… if not for my quirky behavior or sense of humor, then surely for my thick glasses, poofy hair, and height (or lack thereof). I didn't care what people thought of me back then, and I suppose I don't care too much about what others think of me now. I have a mission to help others, and I'm succeeding every day. Some people measure success in money. I measure it in relationships.

And speaking of money-advertising hasn't been that strong in Lockergnome to this point. In fact, since Lockergnome is free, I had a subscriber offer to send me a dollar-he challenged every other subscriber to do the same. In a matter of weeks, I had hundreds of letters sitting in front of me. Each envelope had at least one dollar inside, along with a personal letter saying how much Lockergnome meant to them. Recently, I re-challenged the subscribers to see what kind of response I would get-and it was even better than the first time around. Now when people ask what I do and what makes me different, I show them that crate of envelopes. The letters are worth more to me than any amount money.

I started to create daily HTML newsletters as well as weekly text ones recently. This was done to help boost subscriptions as well as make the advertisers (potentially) happy. For the most part (before that) I would mail out Lockergnome on a bi-weekly basis. In the summer of 1998, I was approached by a couple of individuals who said they could take Lockergnome to the highest heights. I was star struck-they knew "everybody" in the industry. So, after a little bit of prodding, I handed over production, marketing, PR, advertising, etc., to them. That turned out to be the biggest fiasco of my life. They had no follow through, locked me into a one-sided contract, and basically held Lockergnome for hostage for five months. I finally told them that I would start to sabotage the newsletter while still adhering to my side of the contract. One of them wised up and legally released me. My suggestion for small folks who run sites like me: don't do it. Don't let your baby go-unless they're willing to offer you a substantial amount of money, it isn't worth it. But that's in the past for me now, and I'm moving forward to better things… on my own again. I just couldn't wait to get on my own again…

Well, you've probably wasted a good half hour of your life by learning about mine. If you've learned nothing from my tale, then know this: periodontal disease is no laughing matter. Visit your dentist at least twice a year. And, in between drillings, read Lockergnome. Heck, even if you don't use Windows, I'm sure I can keep you entertained in other ways. Very often I'll feature Internet related stuff, not necessarily specific to Microsoft's major operating systems. You gotta admit that you're intrigued by what I had to say. If not, please move on to the next site and enjoy your life. Peace.

Microsoft Windows is a registered trademark of Phil Cates. All references (real or implied) to living or not-so-living people are simply coincidental. No carrots were harmed in the writing of this story.